Pregnant and 15——HELP!!??

So, I really want my girls to know that I am there for them, NO MATTER WHAT.  I am always asking them if there is anything they need to talk about and how their day was.  I hope that when things get rough, they will come to me for advice and to just get things out.

Well I found out after saying it over and over again for 16 years, it finally paid off!!!  My oldest came to me and needed to talk.  I could tell this was going to be a mother and daughter time with no interruptions.  She was very emotional.  The conversation started with “Mom, I have a friend who is pregnant.”  She is 15!!  She knows I will listen and try to help as I went through this.  I have first hand experience.  We talked for a long time.  The girl has not told her parents and has only told my daughter.  She doesn’t want anyone to know.  She took 3 pregnancy tests and they all came back positive.  She told the boyfriend, who in turn asked her, when she was getting an abortion?!?!?!? 

I want my daughter to help but I feel this girl needs to talk to her parents.  I told her to tell her that we would help in whatever way we can but she needs to talk to someone in her family whether it be her parents, aunt etc. 

Any advice???  She is friends with this girl but it’s only been for a few months.  How involved should my daughter get??  I just don’t want her to get to involved as she will try to help at all costs.  I want her to help but she needs to realize that this girl has to take and make the majority of the decisions and responsibility for her actions.  I don’t mean that in a bad way, it’s just I’m scared my daughter is going to get really caught up in this.  I told her to keep listening and be good friends but as far as responsibility goes, it’s up to her and the boyfriend and their families.

HELP?!?!?!?!?

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10 Responses to Pregnant and 15——HELP!!??

  1. nikki says:

    I can’t begin to imagine what that girl is going through. I think she needs a lot of love and reassurance. It doesn’t sound like she feels like she can talk to her parents. That’s sad. I think you’re daughter should listen and just be a good friend which it sounds like she already is. I think you’re right about this girl taking responsibility for her own actions. She is old enough to know the consequences from having sex. Just be there for her and let her now she’s not alone, because I’m pretty sure she’s feeling lonely. It shows what a wonderful mom you are to care enough to post this story. Your girls are lucky!!
    P.S. We miss you and want to see you again soon:)

  2. Joy says:

    Boy is this ever a tough situation. I’m so glad you’ve been open with your girls so they can come to you. I’d be proud of Sam for confiding in you but on the same hand, she can’t take responsibility for it and let it consume her. Teenagers have a tendency to do that kind of thing. This is such a serious situation.

    I’d have her maintain the friendship the way it’s been and have her be there for her. She obviously has nobody else. I’m left to wonder if she’s just scared to tell her parents because, well….who would have ever wanted to tell their parents news like this and not because she’s afraid of them. There’s a big difference. I would have hated to tell my dad but he would have been supportive. I would have felt like I let him down.

    Great help the boyfriend is. Do you know if she wants to keep the baby or anything like that?

    Good for you though for making sure they know they can come to you with the hard stuff because this is defiantly a HARD one.

  3. Candi says:

    Its is hard to come to a parent and tell them that you are pregnant, Even if the relationship with your parents have been really good, and open from the very start. Being 15 and having a baby, you start to think about the questions that you parents are going to have when you tell them. How are they going to react?, Will they be there for me?, Who is going to raise this child?, Will they make me break up with the one that made this happen? Having a great relationships helps, but its still hard. I know that I could have come to my parents for anything, and my children know that they can come to me. Trust me I know all about this, it was hard, but it happen, and then it was ok.

  4. SKL says:

    I too feel that most of the time, a girl will dread disappointing her parents, but it’s still best for her to tell them. It’s impossible to say without knowing this girl, but most likely it would be best to try to talk her into telling her parents. Maybe if she could talk to you about this part of her big decision / problem, you could help her put it in perspective and at least make a decision about whether to tell. I know it’s not your problem technically, but you might really make a positive difference.

    I know plenty of people who “put the cart before the horse,” and after realizing they couldn’t wish it away, they told their parents and managed to figure out how to deal with things going forward. As a result, there are many little people in my life whom I love very much, and who most definitely make my world and the world as a whole a better place.

    I think if my daughter came to me with this kind of issue regarding a friend, I’d talk to her about how very serious this is and the various scenarios that could play out depending on what the friend decided to do. I agree it is not your daughter’s job to solve the problem on any level, but just understanding how an adult views such things could help her figure out what her role toward her friend should be.

    Another aspect of this is that you mention your daughter hasn’t known this girl for very long. There may be a lot of unknowns that could complicate matters here. When I was a teen, I used to have a troubled friend who was also 15. She was into drugs and had all kinds of problems. I tried to be there for her because basically nobody else was. She managed to drag me into problems (with lies, through association, etc.) from which I had to extricate myself while she was off getting into more trouble. Finally she ran away from home and I never heard from her, although everyone thought I must have known where she went. It was a messy situation, but the troubles I had were minor compared to the troubles she had, so I really never regretted being there for her. I just felt crappy because the fact was, I couldn’t really help her. I guess my point is that your daughter might want to avoid getting too deep into this situation without really having a good understanding of the person she’s dealing with. You might want to ask her: do you have a picture of where your friend will be in life six months from now, a year from now? How should that affect your level of involvement? I’m really not sure what the answer should be.

    Possibly most important here is that your reaction to this is going to have a significant effect on how your daughter will make decisions in her future – choices regarding both how to act and how much to inform you. Very complicated matter indeed!

    Good luck!

  5. spillay says:

    This is a serious one. My two cents: I agree with you with what you said about responsibility. The friend will have to talk to her parents,.. that is her responsibility. Then, hopefully, they (boyfriend,his family, friend and her family) will sit down, talk, decide and pull through this together. You too have a responsibility – to your daughter. I can see your motherly instincts of protection coming through, and it is right that you are looking out for your daughter’s welfare. As a young person, your daughter will also be caught up with the emotions in dramatic manner. That’s how young people are. You will have to be her pillar of support – not a decision maker. Let her ride through this with you by her side. Also, don’t underestimate how much she needs you at this time.

    Keep strong!

  6. Mary says:

    Is it possible to set up some kind of meeting between the pregnant teen and a professional who has dealt with these situations before? Someone from Planned Parenthood, a teacher or a minister? It seems to me that instead of you or your daughter dealing directly with this, a professional will be able to anticipate possible reactions from the parents and be able to alleviate any fall-out that might occur. Then your daughter could remain a friend without having to take on the heaviness of the situation.

  7. Sue says:

    I agree with everyone above. The parents of both the girl and boy need to be told so they can figure out what to do. Sam is trying to be a good friend, but these are not HER problems/responsabilities. Talking to a professional is a good idea also.

  8. TiredMom says:

    My sister got pregnant at 15. I was working and bought her a pregnancy test and talked to her ( I was only 16 at the time) and stuck by her side which is what she needed the most. After 2 weeks I told her she had to tell our parents. I came home from work one night and she hadnt told them yet and I walked in and said,”mom J has something to talk to you about NOW” that was the end of it.. My sister was ticked off but it worked. I’ve got a beautiful neice who is now 11 years old..

    I agree its not your daughters responsibility. If her friend can’t talk to her parents right away I would have your daughter suggest another adult the girl trusts.. Even maybe the counselor at school might have suggestions on how to talk to the parents. It really is a difficult situation.

  9. Joy says:

    I just wanted to take the time to thank all of you for coming to our blog and commenting and giving your opinions. It means a lot to us that you keep returning. This way we get a lot of good dialog going which is what we were looking for.

    Thanks,
    Joy, Lisa, Jason and Sue

  10. Jennifer says:

    I think you’ve been doing a fabulous job so far. The catch here of course is that you don’t know these parents well enough to judge their reactions to the situation. You don’t know if they’ll judge her, be violent, disown her, or be good about the whole thing.

    I like the idea about bringing her to a trusted professional like someone at Planned Parenthood, or talking to perhaps a school counselor etc. However the only concern I would have is if her parents found out you took her somewhere without their knowledge…you don’t know their faith, beliefs etc…it could really come back to bite you….

    I think I’d try to get her to talk to her parents first and see how it goes. If they toss her out, if she needs help after that then perhaps you can step in from there. I’d encourage your daughter to be a friend and remind her how proud of her you are.

    My best friend became pregnant at age 14. We were in middle school at the time. She didn’t tell her parents right away. She didn’t even tell me because she was so scared. When her parents did find out, they forced her against her will to have an abortion. Since she was so far along she had to be taken over state lines. It was so traumatic that she withdrew from everyone including me. When she finally broke down and told me I was devastated at her secrecy and beyond angry at her parents for doing what they did to her. She ended up quitting school in high school. Her parents completely ignored what happened and of course blamed it on the boyfriend. I guess I use that as a prime example of what you DONT want to have happen. I’m not anti-abortion…but I just end up viewing what happened to her as almost the reverse of rape and every bit as harmful.

    I lost track of her after she dropped out of school. In my mid-20’s when my husband and I were having trouble conceiving I went to an OBGYN office because I was pregnant. I went in for an ultrasound and she was the nurse that was helping the dr doing the ultrasound. We smiled at each other. When I learned during that ultrasound that my baby had died she burst into tears and hugged and cried with me and I knew why. But I was glad to find her again. 🙂 The irony was not lost.

    Jen
    http://furoreandfrenzy.com
    http://parents2parents.org

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