Your best friend’s spouse is being unfaithful. Would you tell your friend? If so, how?
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Oh, man . . . . I think I would be more likely to tell her husband that I’m gonna kick his butt if he doesn’t stop it. Return his focus to what he has to lose if he gets too distracted. I’ve actually done this a couple times, but I was friends with the guy (the cheater) more than with the wife. I think it worked.
Honestly, I think it’s better not to know if cheating happened temporarily and stopped permanently. It may have been a moment of drunk stupidity or whatever, but knowing it could make trust impossible for ever. If it were ongoing, I might just ask my friend the questions she ought to be asking herself . . . questions that bring out inconsistencies and such, that would make her go confront her husband or do some research and find something out first-hand. I don’t think I would ever want to be the bearer of that bad news.
I’ve asked myself this question MANY times as i’ve been in this situation before. Did I tell? No.. I came close. Very very very close because it was killing me because she kept giving me the details and was confiding it all in me and it just kept eating at me. I told her she had to stop telling me about it as I didnt think what she was doing was right. When I kept telling her how wrong she was she finally stopped telling me about it..
Honesty is what has kept my best friend for 15 years, and my husband for 6 years. I would tell her straight out that I knew or thought he might be cheating on her.
My best friend, husband, and I all agree that trust is based on honesty. How can you trust someone 100% without knowing all? How can you forgive what you do not know? How can you trust someone you do not know?
If she were to find out later on that you already knew, then trust is broken.
First though, I would approach the cheater and give him the chance to tell the truth to my best friend, but if he choose not to, then I would have to. If she wants to know, she will trust me. If a person doesn’t really want to know, they will be in denial. But that is their choice, not yours.
I wouldn’t touch this with a ten foot pole. I’m sure it’s my age. When your young your idealistic and think “honesty is the best policy” but as I’ve aged I’ve seen to many people “kill the messenger” and while I would talk to the “cheater,” I wouldn’t be the one to tell. Because more often than not, your friend will blame you in one way or another. She/he may equate the cheating in some way with you and you might be to painful to be around. Ya know????
If my friend asked me point blank and I knew FOR SURE, I might imply that “maybe” there was cheating going on but I wouldn’t volunteer the information. I do also believe that you can feel cheating and more often that not, the person has an inkling of what’s going on. I would be there for a shoulder but I think I’d keep my big fat trap shut.
I also believe if it was a “one time deal” and it’s over, what’s really the point of “telling?” All that does is hurt a person for no reason. If I got cheated on “one time” and I found out, it might be a deal breaker and if I was happy and my better half was happy, I wouldn’t want to know. Sometimes a mistake is just that, a mistake.
I happen to have been one cheated on in my first marriage. I was so disappointed to find out how many people knew it was going on and nobody chose to tell me. Instead, all I got was a bunch of sympathetic looks. Boy did I ever feel humiliated when I found out, and I felt betrayed by all those who chose to remain silent.
So, having been in that position, I WOULD tell–after giving the cheater the opportunity to tell first.
This one is hard and also like Tiredmom, was “privy” to a friends affair. I hated it and kept telling her to stop or she would ruin everything and may lose her daughter. She listened to me and cut it off but never did tell her husband also at my recommendation. Other than to make herself feel better by “unburdening” her own conscience, what good would it have done to tell her husband? It would have only hurt him beyond belief and it was over. It meant nothing to her other than the thrill of it all. So she should end up ruining her marriage to make herself feel better??
Perhaps my views about cheating are strange…I’ve always been of the opinion that it’s not the sex that’s the issue, you could buy that if that’s all you were looking for. It’s the lies and deceit that’s the thing that destroys relationships and makes the whole thing complicated.
But not everyone agrees with that viewpoint…but for me personally, if my spouse needed more from the relationship than I expect him to say that to me, even if it means that he’s going to tell me that he plans to seek it elsewhere. I’d rather know that upfront than to find out about it after the fact and realize with horror that I had been living a lie.
Couples used to often go through separations prior to a divorce, whether officially legal in all cases or not. These days I’m not convinced that happens much anymore, but I really believe that if more people just honestly told their partner that they wanted more and they wanted to test the waters elsewhere for awhile that there would be fewer divorces. I think people would find out that the grass is NOT always greener and that they would once again yearn for the comfort of their spouse again.
If a friend was cheating would *I* tell her spouse? No I wouldn’t. It’s not my place. I would REPEATEDLY suggest to her that she and her husband open the lines of communication more and I would try to find out what it is from this other person that makes her crave the outside relationship.
I would say to him, you tell her or I will. Bottom line! And I would expect the same if my best friend knew my husband was cheating on me.
I agree with you Jennifer.
That is tough.I have never known a friend in that situation.But ,myself,I have been cheated on.I sensed it in the relationship,confronted on my own.I believe women have a 6th sense of their own.Personally,today if I was being cheated on,someone please tell me.Cause in anything in life,if i was the last to know,I’d feel xtremely humiliated.And only someone very close to me,I’d say something.
I lost my best friend due to this exact situation. I KNEW her husband was cheating on her. I mean, I knew for sure. I tried the round about way of telling her. I talked to him first and he laughed at me and told me to “go right ahead and tell her.” So I did. She left him for a brief time and he ended up sweet talking her and blamed me for “hitting on him and I was mad because he turned me down!!!” and I lost her. He is scum. I knew her for my whole life. We went to kindergarten together. I am still sick over it so NO, I wouldn’t ever do it again.
I would want someone to tell me if my spouse hasn’t, but would I tell on someone’s spouse? I don’t know. Hopefully no one puts me in that situation!!!