I’ve been pondering this question for years. Why is it more acceptable for women to wear the pants in the relationship than the man? I have some friends who will be named A and B who are married and A is so proud that her man will do whatever she says. She’ll come out and say it, “oh B will do it because I told him to”. A nags him all the time and I’m sure it embarrasses him because she’ll do it in front of anyone. Almost as if she is his mother.
Now they have a baby and it’s even worse. “Are you gonna help me get him ready or just sit there?”, she”ll say to him. And all she has to do is put him in the car seat!!
I feel bad for B. He works his butt off so she can stay home and she treats him like that?! A while ago, way before the baby, we were all out one night and someone said to her “you’re gonna have to tell me how to get my husband to do that.” Pretty much jump when I say jump kinda thing. I thought to myself if that were the other way around he would be a controlling a-hole!!!
I don’t think it’s right for any one person in a relationship to have all the control and some girls want that but they would NEVER allow themselves to be treated like that! What’s up with that? And I actually now more women like this than I do men. Does anyone know anyone like this or maybe an explanation to why?
I think it might have to do some with A and B type personalities. Some people are take charge and others are followers. I can completely take charge and be a leader at work but when i’m around other people I tend to be more submissive. I would consider myself a mix of those two,but some people are one or the other. I have one son who tends to be more of a follower and the other is take charge lets go. And by the way In a relationship NOBODY is gonna boss me around or treat me like i’m there only to take orders.
And you wouldn’t treat them like that right? I just never understood the reason for control or to NAG all the time. Who wants to live like that?! You’re not married to your mother. I’m sure that’s what he and others feel like.
I don’t know anyone at this point where the woman “wears the pants in the relationship”. I know couples where the man wears the pants in the relationship. I actually know many couples like that but not where the woman does..
I know many who treat their spouse like dirt and its not right. I know many men who treat their wiveslike you described above.. Not right at all..
I think if society does view it as okay for women to”wear the pants in the relationship” its because along time ago women weren’t allowed to wear the pants at all. They worked hard to get where they are today and they have pushed and fought for every right they have today. Does that give them the right to push their spouse around and treat them badly.. no.. but thats not right in any relationship.
This could get long winded Jason so if it’s to long for you, skip it!!
Without talking about actual physical abuse, I know more women like this then men. I think the men I know who are controlling, do it behind closed doors and unless you know them really well, you might not even know it’s going on. I also feel with men, it’s not the same kinds of things that women do. I’ve tried thinking of a delicate way of putting this since I don’t know who actually reads this blog. But then I figured, I’ve told her these things before and she never listened so what’s the difference now???
I do have a girlfriend who does horribly “naggy” things to her husband. I don’t understand it because as much as he looks totally henpecked, she looks like a fishwife. People hear him on the phone and think she’s a first class b**** and she could care less. She has to keep those tabs on him. No matter where he goes, she’s calling him to “see what he’s doing” and “when will you be home?” in a whiny, shriekey voice. I would say “don’t call, they’re fishing” and she just can’t stop herself. We used to curl and when we were there, he never called her every 30 minutes to check on her. He let her (us) have fun. She still does this and I feel it takes the fun out of whatever it is he’s doing for him because she bothers him constantly with the calling. She called him once and he got a fish while on the phone and dropped the phone in the lake and then she got mad at him?? HUH??
This is how I feel. If you love someone, why would you want to ruin their fun? If he turns off his phone, then there’s hell to pay and she never even wants anything. She’ll just call to “tell him something” that could not be told at all or at least it could wait till he got home.
I don’t know, when my husband goes golfing or fishing, I let him have fun. I know where he is and he would never call me when I’m bowling or out with someone so I don’t do it to him either. Besides, he never hears his phone. I think you should think twice and treat your spouse the way you would want to be treated.
I think it is tolerated because when a woman does it to a man, the worst it usually gets is verbal, whereas if you see a man doing it to a woman, you wonder whether he smacks her around behind the scenes. Also, I think we’re conditioned to think that a man can easily walk away if it gets too uncomfortable and a woman can’t. (And due to emotional and, usually, financial differences, this is more or less true.)
I feel the important question is how the recipient of the “nagging” feels about it. If he is a confident but gentle and family-oriented soul, he probably doesn’t take it as hard as you or I would take it. Nobody can make you feel bad, not even a mean old nag, if you don’t already have some insecurity.
Myself, I tend to be insecure about those things and react very negatively if someone speaks to me with disrespect. I have a friend who will take from me much more than I take from her, and we both understand it’s because the level of sensitivity is different. Basically, she has a superiority complex and knows when my tone is just joking or over-dramatic, while I am likely to question whether I really am a jerk when someone tells me I am. But, at times when she’s in a bad mood or whatever, I make it a point to be respectful, and there are also times when she gives me shit. It just depends on the situation.
Ultimately, for a relationship to work there has to be underlying respect. In my experience, the specific words and tone used aren’t always indicative of the level of respect.
I totally agree with you Nikki. I do think that there is a double standard at play. I never think in society it’s ever considered as bad a thing to be pushed around by your wife as is it is to be pushed around by your husband.
First think about the terms we use to describe these situations. Men who push their wives around are considered ‘wife beaters’, ‘a-holes’ etc. All very aggressive terms and very physically aggressive terms. Very negative terms. The women who are on the receiving end are considered ‘victims’, ‘battered women’, ‘submissive’. All very meek and timid titles.
Women who push their husbands around? “Bitch”, “c&*t”, “old lady” “nag”. These are all personal, yet generic, but definitely not physical and really have nothing to do with the aggressive behavior that these women portray.
What are their husbands called? “p***ywhipped” Although a joke among males, it still is not totally negative and does imply that the male is only staying around for sex. It still leaves a small amount of control in the hands of the male, he’s getting something in return for the negativity rather than merely putting up with it.
I’ve met some real jerks who treat their wives terribly, but I’ve also met many women who treat their husbands like slaves.
I think that for “Some” people they are reliving the roles they saw between their parents. Maybe though taking opposite sides because they want to rail against what they saw as the abused party.
Well said Jennifer, thanks for the great insight!!
There is nothing worse then a wife/girlfriend who won’t quit calling. I guess it’s worse when the man puts up with it. I have a couple of friends like this. Dominant male and female. They both look stupid when they constantly call each other or nag. Or even worse bring their problems to my house. I don’t want to hear that shit. Then it puts Nicole and I in an uncomfortable situation. Nicole and I don’t decide who wears the pants. Normally I do but its not to be bossy its more like a “professional decision maker”. Certain things we expect from each other. When she or I are out all we ask is to know where we are. Unless we need something from the store calls aren’t usually made. Unless there is a trust issue leave the other one alone. And if there is a trust issue why are you together??????????
I agree with you, Jennifer. Well said.
Yes Jason, I agree with you. And cell phones have just made it SO MUCH WORSE!!!! We have friends that will constantly check in with each other. We keep waiting for them to outgrow it but it hasn’t happened yet!
The worst part is they never have anything more to ask than “What are you doing?”
I will admit I am guilty however of being the stupid wife that calls when she’s got a crisis but hubby can’t do anything about it from where he is…I call anyway and I never know why I do. (i.e. Kids car seats were taken out of the car over the weekend and I can’t get the 2nd one re-installed on Monday AM before work. Hubby is already at work and I call him while I’m struggling to tell him it’s stuck. He asks what he’s supposed to do about it from work? I don’t have a good answer for him and I do eventually get it. ) I guess sometimes you need moral support.
Jennifer- you just described me to the T!!!!!!!!! I’ve done the car seat thing. He can’t do anything about it or help me in any way but the my first reaction is to call him. His workers must think I’m crazy!!!! So I guess I’m guilty of that too.
Ok, I didn’t want to admit that I am a “caller” too, but thank God I’m not the only one!!!!! I will call to see what time he’ll be home because my husband is very good at saying he’ll be home at such and such time, but shows 1-2 hours later. No, I’m not kidding. I’ve learned to estimate his real arrival time, but it’s frustrating and I think it’s rude! You said this time so why aren’t you here??? So, if after the elappsed time he’s not home, I will call to make sure he’s still alive! I’ve also done the “I need help call but I know there’s nothing you can do about it!”
Oh boy, I know a couple like this where it’s the woman who “wears the pants” and it’s NOT a good thing. She is downright mean to her husband and he is the sweetest most gentle man we know. But she tells him what to wear and how long he can be in the shower down to what he can eat. She also does this in front of whoever is there and acts proud to be able to “boss” him around. The down side to this is most of us are sick of it and we don’t do much with them anymore. We went to school with the guy and the woman grew up in Winnipeg so she came to “our” group and we just don’t like the bitchy way she is. In our peer group, we’ve all gone to school together and almost feel more like family than friends.
She’s also a terrible “bragger” and has to have the best of everything and then does nothing but show it off. We all can’t see this thing lasting since he’s already strayed on her. He feels like a whipped puppy most of the time and knows he’s made a terrible mistake but there’s a child involved now and I think he feels trapped. I feel bad for him because what she’s done has taken away his self respect and manhood and has made him feel foolish in front of the community and he will tire of it and she’ll sit and wonder “what went wrong.”
Oh Jane that is so sad. Hopefully your friend will realize that he is doing worse by his child by staying in such an unhealthy relationship. This child will grow up thinking this is acceptable and most likely keep the cycle going. No one, man or women deserves to be treated like that!!
I agree with most that it’s not taken as seriously as when men do it. Why that is, I’m not sure. I feel some men are bossed around and I do find that sad. Just with the comments above, you hear about it from all of us. I think men also feel that they “have” to take it in order to be a “man.”
I also have known men who just give up and leave and the woman never really knew it was her that drove him to it because what man wants to go crying to they guys that his wife is mean to him? It’s just not done. Women that treat someone like this and like a child in their own home don’t see themselves that way. Not to many people do see their own faults even if they are pointed out to them.
I think any woman who would treat someone so meanly, is just an unkind person or someone who was treated bad in the past and takes it out on the person they are with now.