I’m pretty young, 24…oh okay I’m almost 28 and only have one child. Is this an open invitation to ask me, “so when are you having another?” I get it, they see or hear I have only one and then they find out how young I am and instantly, the same old question. Which I guess it would be okay if the answer was simply, I didn’t want anymore.
But the truth is I did want more, my husband, not so much. I am now unable to have anymore. I had to have a hysterectomy when I was 25 because I have something called endometriosis. Even though we probably wouldn’t have had anymore I still had all the right parts, now I don’t. Tough pill to swallow but I’ve come to terms with it. And when people asked, I used to tell them the truth, never going into great detail. But they would end up apologizing and feeling bad, so now I just say,” Oh, we didn’t want anymore” and leave it at that. I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me because I’m okay with it. I feel like I’ve been blessed to have one healthy beautiful little boy. I kinda think it’s funny now, I get asked that question often. I don’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable.
Have you ever asked or been asked a seemingly simple question and feel horrible or maybe even embarrassed in the end?
Oh my GOD, a mother of 4 ( an older girl, and younger triplets) once told me I looked great 6 weeks after I had my second son. I said something along the lines of, “please! look at you! You would never know you had triplets!!”. . She didn’t have any expression and changed subject. I didn’t think much of it. .
Months later, I found she had a surrogate for all of them.
I still feel bad about it. You just never know and it seems sometimes it’s better to say nothing at all.
I put my foot in my mouth pretty often, and I try not to remember these screwups. Hence, I don’t have a good story about my own dumb questions.
Recently, having adopted two girls of a different race who are close in age, I get a lot of questions that are just not smart. Here’s an example: “Are they twins?” “No, they are three months apart.” “Oh, then are they [biological] sisters?” Then there was the person who asked, “Do they look like their father?” to which I responded “I have no idea.”
I ran into an old neighbor recently at my son’s school and simply asked how he’d been doing… BIG MISTAKE!! He felt it necessary to tell me that he’s finally getting a divorce (didn’t know they were having problems) and he was out on the prowl (his exact words) and that he touched a boob for the first time in a year in a half!!! Talk about too much information. I walked away from that conversation regretting ever making eye contact!!!
Once I ran into an old acquaintance and we were chatting and she mentioned that she and her son did this or that, and after a minute of this I said, “Don’t you have two sons?” thinking I remembered wrong. Turns out one had passed away less than a year before. That made things really awkward, but I tried to act cool about it even though I felt so rotten for opening my big mouth.
I tend to watch what I say carefully.. But i’m OFTEN asked if i’m going to have more kids. I guess people figure you have 4 why not more? But they often ask that with a touch of disgust in their voice..
Nikki I have endo too.. I had surgery in 98 to remove scar tissue that had been built up and it grew back instantly and I was told i’d never have kids.. 3 mo nths later my Oldest came.. lol… I now need a hysterectomy..
Good luck Tosha. A hysterectomy was the best thing I EVER did. No more pain…well little pain. It’s not completely gone because they left my ovaries but what a difference.
Oh Honey… do I feel your pain!
My questions are always two fold.
1. Are you and your husband planning to have kids? (Im 40).
2. What do you “Do”?
Those may seem easy questions, but what do I say?
If I say… simply no, and Im retired = I am a princess. No kids, no job, housekeeper…. my God, what does this woman do?
If I say … I can’t and Im disabled = well she’s worthless as a friend or… I feel sorry for her.
Now I just say… I am living what God has planned for me. I leave it at that.
Amber, I’m often asked what do I “do” and it really irritates me. I take care of everything at home but the snow plowing or the cutting grass (and that’s only because my husband had to buy some fancy shmansy lawn mower that I can’t drive!) and it’s considered “nothing.” Irks me to no end. People have been known to say to me “well you do nothing else all day!!!” I worked for many years, once two jobs at once and now this is MY time.
I open mouth and insert foot so often that I can’t even begin to pick one thing.
I’m ALWAYS told I do nothing all day. I’m everyones babysitter or go do person because i’m a stay at home mom.. I think i’ve got one of the hardest jobs on earth with the best rewards but little pay.. lol
Preachin to the choir here sista!!! I can’t stand that. They assume you have nothing to do. Well I think we all know what happens when you assume!! So annoying!!!!
People kept asking me when we were going to have another baby before I got pregnant this time. What’s up with that?? I wasn’t sure I wanted another one but hubby talked me into it. With my 3 year old, things were great and being a farmer, it’s a lot of work and I wasn’t sure I wanted to start over but how can you ask someone something so personal?? I sure wouldn’t.
What is it with babies??? People ask me that all the time and we don’t plan on having another. We want the one we have and we’re finished and I hate that question. It’s like we’re from Mars or something. It’s our choice to have only one child and I find it insulting.
men are from mars, women are from Venus, now go back to the dishes..Just kidding…calm down ladies.. I wouldn’t want your jobs. I can’t do it. Hats off to all of you out there you make husbands want to come home…….most of us…….the smart ones………..
I think people just ask questions that are WAY to personal. Unless it’s your mother asking (because chances are she will if she doesn’t know the story) the no one else has the right to ask you questions of that nature.
I never used to think about things like that at all until my husband and I experienced 5 years of infertility. It was awful. We had 3 miscarriages in that timespan, so people would ask us questions about the baby and I’d have to explain every time. That didn’t bother me so much, because most of the time people were wishing us well and just hadn’t heard the news, but it was devastating to explain time and again, especially to people you hardly cared about.
But the worst were the friends and family members who didn’t know you had ever been expecting at all. They just assumed we were waiting and they couldn’t figure out what was taking us so long. Every time we went to a family function we would get hit by the question. At first I was shy about answering, then I began to tell the truth and people would feel bad, but at least I hoped the truth would circulate. Finally I began to get sarcastic with answers like “Well, we REALLY enjoy practicing! Do you have any pointers?”
I mean really….when you think about it that’s about as personal a question as you can ask someone. Essentially you’re asking them when they’re planning to have sex. Imagine if you actually asked THEM the question phrased like THAT??????
I’m sorry about your hysterectomy. I see one in my future although lately I haven’t been too bad. I have a different condition though than the endo. My good friend has endo right now and is frantically trying to conceive her 2nd, her first is 3. She’s right at the point where she needs the hysterectomy so either the baby happens or this is it, so I’m hoping the stress and pressure doesn’t affect the process and that she conceives a healthy baby.
Thanks for sharing your story and your frustration. 🙂