My needy friend, please help!

I really need some good advice here friends.  I have an “acquaintance” who I’ve known for a few years that in the last few months, thinks we’re best friends.  I don’t know how it happened but it did.  I have no idea what to do because there are things we do together as a group and I’d like to keep it that way but I have no interest to be this close on a one to one basis.

I can ask because as of now, she has no idea I have this blog and I’d really like to keep it that way.  We don’t have any of the same interests and she knows this.  She wants to always be running around and shopping or going somewhere and just like that, stopping at a bar for no reason and I just don’t do things like this.  It’s just not who I am.  I like being alone.  I spend hours a day feeding my birds and watering and taking care of my flowers.  I’m a putz and I don’t care who knows it.  She thinks what I like to do is dumb and will then try and talk me into something that I’ve already told her I don’t want to do.  The last time she pulled that bar/drinking thing on me I told her in no uncertain terms that IT’S NOT MY THING.  I could really care less what she does but why does she try and change my mind or act like I didn’t tell her it’s not something I care to do?  I’m 50 years old dammit and I know by now what I enjoy and what I don’t.  I’m also getting sick of all this hiding out.  I really get afraid when the phone rings or my dogs bark because it might be her just stopping by which with any other person would be fine but she then tries to talk me into doing something I don’t want to do.  I’m already doing what I want to do.

I have to now block her from my messengers completely because if she gets me on there, I can’t get off.  One day I forgot to do it on one and she acted like  a jilted lover.  She wants me to go shopping, I hate shopping AND I’ve told her that.  She’ll call and I’m not home and she’ll keep calling over and over just minutes apart acting hysterical because I’m not answering the phone.  One day she came over AFTER I told her I was having company and really embarrassed me with this behavior that’s NOT like any of my “friends” would behave.  She’s crass, she uses bad language and she drinks to much.  For me anyway.  I could give a monkey’s behind what she does but why does she think we are new best friends?  I was reading this on my blogroll the other morning and it struck me to ask you guys.

I don’t want to hurt this person by any means.  There are times we are together and it’s in a group and kind of okay but I have no time for this needy person who thinks we are friends.  I’ve tried “hiding” and I’ve tried not answering my phone but what I wonder is, should I need to do this??  I’ve told her what I like to do and what I don’t like to do and in the next breath she’ll ask me what I just told her NO to.

Can anyone please advise me what I can nicely tell her???  I am losing what little mind I have left.  Also, I do have my grandchildren here sometimes and there is no way I want her around them with her loose mouth and all the drinking, oh by the way, she hides that in some stupid kind of colored bottle.  Oh yes, dear people, she’s a real doozie.  She sits and sips out of her bottle and gets drunk and thinks the sober people around her don’t notice this difference!  But she thinks she’s the pillar of the community.

Losing my mind!  HELP!!!

 

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27 Responses to My needy friend, please help!

  1. I am like you and never want to hurt other people’s feelings, but I’m not sure there is any polite way you can tell her to back off, since she has completely ignored all normal boundaries and does not seem to be able to take any kind of hint. She sounds, as you say, needy, and desperately so.

    I will offer a cowardly idea that I would probably use in such a situation, and that is to enlist the help of someone I DO like who could be at my house and make her feel unwelcome… just because I know if I tried to do it myself, I would end up backing down and letting her stay and hating myself.

    I feel for you and hope you can think of something more clever and effective!

  2. j$ says:

    most of the problems are, you have nothing in common but the past. I’ve had/have some really needy friends. like your not allowed to hang out with other people, or need to explain yourself and reasons for what you do and don’t do. I’ve met some real doozys through friends or what not at parts in my life I don’t want to be associated with anymore.

  3. nikki says:

    I’m also like you and am not a needy friend therefore cannot have one. I’ve had a pretty hectic life so now that I’m almost 30(I did not just say that did I?) I do like my quiet life and and enjoy being home and spending as much time with Jason and Bailey as I possibly can. I do need friends and like having friends but I don’t have a lot of time to invest in any other relationship. I expect as much as I put in, and I don’t expect much because I can’t put much in. I have a few friends that I’ve had for at least 5 years and they know this and luckily for me they are just like me in that respect. And they’re always there when I really need them in bad times but if we go a few weeks or even months without talking they don’t get bent out of shape. But I only have a few friends like that. I’m not big on talking on the phone for long periods of time. My friend Brianna is the best because I can call her for one question, then she’s ready to get off the phone…that’s my kinda girl. That’s why she’s been my friend for so long.

  4. Joy says:

    Yes Elena, I hate confrontations and will avoid them until I can’t stand it and sometimes I never do say anything and just hope it will pass. But I’m at a loss on this one. If she would only listen.

    Jason is also correct, we have nothing in common. She wants to be running around and I like doing things at home and I can’t drink like she does. I like a few beers in the evening when I’m cleaning the kitchen and getting ready for bed but there is a time and place. She does it all day long and hides it. The other day I had told her I didn’t like it and in her next sentence she asked me if I wanted to go out that night?? I just think, didn’t you JUST hear what I said??? Besides, I don’t go out at night unless it’s with my husband. HELLO!!!

    Like Nikki said also, I hate talking on the phone and getting tied up instant messaging. I’m in and out and here and there and it may look like I’m not busy or doing anything but I am. She called me the other day and told me she was “stopping” by and I told her I was on my way out (a lie) and she said, “that’s okay, I won’t stay long!!!!” So I locked up my house and drove around and she accused me of avoiding her.

    One last thing, I’ve said more to her face than I’ve ever said to anyone else in my entire life but she has a one tract mind, her own. I do have the feeling I’m going to have to be rude because it’s to time consuming in my head.

  5. nikki says:

    I’m starting to think I have nothing in common with some of my friends too. I have changed a lot in the past month or so and have made MY life my priority and no one else’s. They just need to understand that. And they can either be a part of my life when I have time or not be my friend at all. Joy, If you’ve said this to her and she still doesn’t get it and respect your lifestyle than she was never any kind of friend and cut all ties from her. It’s really too bad because you could have been friends if she would have just chilled out!!

  6. BOTB says:

    She sounds like she may be lacking a few braincells and just doesn’t get it, so you probably need to just tell it like it is, be blunt, maybe even a little heartless, but just tell her in no uncertain terms that things need to change. Just try to get her when she’s not drunk and if all else fails, just send her this post 😛 a copy obviously, not the direct link … you certainly don’t need her stalking you here.

  7. nikki says:

    All I really want to say right now is this; it’s really too bad that someone would rather not be friends at all than to respect your privacy and space and continue to be friends. There needs to be a happy medium, and it doesn’t look like there is!

  8. Tosha says:

    With people like that you just have to be honest or avoid them all together. You’d think after awhile of “avoiding” her she’d get the message but people like that dont get it and in the end you end up just having to come out and tell them the truth.. Else they hear you one day through a second hand source and then their feelings are hurt more..

  9. Tosha says:

    ** hear IT one day not hear You one day.. trying to type and listen to the kids at the same time..LOL

  10. nikki says:

    LOL, I gotcha Tosha. I knew what you were saying. It can be really hard to be upfront about things especially for someone like Joy who is not the least bit confrontational. And I’m like her in
    that respect…actually in a lot of respects I’m told. For my oldest and dearest friends they’ve learned they’re boundaries throughout the years as I have learned mine. Not every friendship works out but the true ones last.

  11. Amber says:

    OK Joy, I had a similar situation happen. Difference is that this was someone who was good to me as a child and I felt I “owed” her something. What, I just don’t know….

    Basically I told her this: Im really sorry, but our life values and views of the world make it hard to be in each other’s daily lives. As we don’t agree on basic issues, why make each other unhappy and drive each other crazy with our lifestyle choices? I feel it is better to keep our relationship on a more casual basis.

    I just don’t want to be in a situation with you where there are hurt feelings due to these basic differences. I care too much about you as a person for that.

    Gave her a hug… and off I went with a smile…

  12. SKL says:

    Wow – I’ve known some folks like that too – luckily not too many. (Maybe my cold personality is an asset after all!)

    I would suggest that you follow through as best you can. Whe she asks you to go shopping, say no, and don’t go. Don’t go and then feel frustrated that you let her waste your time like that. Just don’t go. When she wants to come over and you don’t want her to, say “I can’t do it today, I’m doing something else, maybe another time” (I know you’d rather say maybe never); agree on a time when you are willing to put up with her – make it shortly before an unrelated outing, and then leave when it’s time for your outing, walking her out the door if need be. If she won’t let you hang up the phone, tell her you really need to go to the bathroom, or your show is starting and you can’t miss it, or you need to let your dogs out right now. It may be hard the first couple of times, but unless she has serious mental problems, she’ll get it, or more likely, she’ll go find something else to do since she no longer gets satisfaction out of bothering you.

    The fact is, you have a right to choose what you are going to do and when and with whom. You CAN do this without being rude; stating what you want isn’t rude as long as you say it in a pleasant way. And walking someone out the door isn’t rude as long as you do it in a pleasant way.

    I hope you get this resolved – sounds like this woman is trying to suck the life out of you.

  13. Awwws ok firstly hide them cookies away, they are attracting the flies then secondly there is something she is wanting from you emotionally, perhaps it is your strength and awesome sense of humour? Two things you can not change but do you not know someone that would “suit” her type of friendship that you can introduce her to? Find a replacement “you”.

    Perhaps that is not the best, I to hate confrontation of any kind – pull my string enough and I go Afreakan on you. Phew lots of suggestions up top. Perhaps a melody of all in an email or start preaching the bible (did that once and it worked real fast) – people who drink/drug do not want to feel guilt. Preach the bible and they run because they have to subconsciously choose between their habit and “life”. Perhaps it will do her good as well. Learnt that trick from a really Christian friend of mine, she only bible bashed when there were irritants the rest of the time she was easy going.

    Good luck hun and keep us posted oks, you know where to find me! *hands Joy her last cookie*

  14. K. Trainor says:

    I agree with the other posters. You’ll have to be blunt. You’ve tried every hint in the book and she refuses to get it, so the only alternative is to be bold. There’s no reason to feel like you have to ‘hide out’ in your own home. When she calls, tell her honestly that you have little in common and feel it best not to hang out together. Then wish her well and HANG UP. Don’t let her drag on an unwanted conversation, just nip it quick. (((Joy))) Sorry you’re in such a sucky situation. 😦

  15. Jane says:

    I feel bad for you. I had this happen once to me and I was at my wits end. This person thought since I “work at home,” I could do what I wanted to. I have a very tight schedule that I have to follow and one day she just popped in and planned to spend the day so I just went about my business. It didn’t take long for her to see that I didn’t just sit around. I guess cleaning barns and slopping s**t wasn’t her thing and my problem was solved. I hope you let us know what you did and if you solved this.

  16. SAHW says:

    Whoa. She sounds like one classy act. I think you already know what I am gonna say. I know you want to be a nice person but when this person is making you hide in your house, embarrassing you, not respecting your feelings, your home and your family then she needs some blunt straight talking to. What’s the worst that could happen? She doesn’t want to be friends anymore? Obviously her lost not yours… Good luck.

  17. Candi says:

    I am thinking that I may fit into this catagorgy, but No, Its not that I am needy, I just get attached to the friends that I love. Really attached. When they get busy and don’t talk or call, I guess assume that they are mad, or something, but when you go from talking everyday all day, to not talking at all, its only obvious, what is happening. I have a few friends that this has happen to me. I guess I cannot get attached anymore, I always end up hurting in the end. So I will just be friends. I will take whatever is given to me, and I am not going to get attached anymore. I’ll I ever wanted all my life was that one person that I can count one, the person you can call at every hour, that person that you do everything with, tell secrets too. The best friend thing, like you have when you are in high school feeling, but as a adult. I thought I had it, I had a friend of 15 years, that we did everything together, the feeling was great, but it got ugly at the end, now we do not talk at all, a friend of 15 years, wow, what all them years lost. I just want a friend I can always count on.

  18. Joy says:

    Candi, thanks for commenting. The thing is this woman has turned our friendship into a chore for me. She is just to intense and I do have other things to do sometimes. It has nothing to do with her. I do plan on printing this post and all of the comments to her. I don’t mean to hurt her but she’s smothering me.

    When friendship turns into me not wanting to answer the phone or be afraid when my dogs bark, then, to me, it’s not friendship anymore. Unless you have done something that would warrant your friend to be mad, then you have to assume she’s not mad at you. She/he is just doing other things. That and not trying to talk someone into doing something when you’ve said you’d rather not.

    Chill out and relax, take a deep breath and realize, it’s not you but it’s what your friend wants. Believe me, I don’t want to hurt this woman but she’s way to close and needs to take a few steps back and if she wants to be my friend, she has to really cool it and accept what I have to offer. It is a two way street and if she needs a friend to mother, it can’t be me. I have enough mothering to do as it is.

  19. Candi says:

    Oh I totally understand you Joy.

  20. SKL says:

    I think for the most part, we may look for a friend who is “everything” to us, but what we’ll find is a lot of different friends who, when added together, are what we really need. Since nobody out there has exactly the same needs as I have – or exactly complementing needs – I can’t ask too much from any one friend. For some, one lunch or dinner a year, plus an email now and then, is all they want. Others are happy to do more with me, but everyone has a cutoff point (myself included!). I think one of the best pieces of advice I ever received, from a very good friend, was that I must take care to watch others’ reactions to gauge how interested they are in what I have to say. Better to shut up and let them ask you another question, than to make one more point after their eyes have started glazing over. Before, I wasn’t very good at this. I was very slow to warm up – but once I was on a roll . . . ya know. The other thing to remember is that, even if at first a person spends lots of time with you, getting to know you and enjoying the contrasts between you and them, their need / desire to do this won’t last forever. It doesn’t mean they don’t still like you and certainly doesn’t mean they are angry. It’s just that something else is a higher priority for them in the long run.

    Best way to get people to “want” to spend time with you is to leave while they are still having a great time with you, and leave a gap before going back. And find new ways to fill those gaps on your end.

    Good luck to all – I can see each party really means well.

  21. Joy says:

    This is so true SKL: “Best way to get people to “want” to spend time with you is to leave while they are still having a great time with you, and leave a gap before going back. And find new ways to fill those gaps on your end”.

  22. nikki says:

    Friends are important to me, don’t get me wrong. I think I have a sensor in my brain that says: do not get attached. Something always happens. I let myself get close to someone and they shit on me. The last 2 close friends I’ve had, that’s happened. I don’t talk to either one now. I haven’t had a “BFF” since I was 16. I’m not sure I should be giving that title to anyone anymore because I’m not a good best friend anymore. If that makes sense. Close friends sure, but best friends…I’m not sure I deserve that title myself. Maybe it has come with age or lifestyle change…not sure. I’m still learning about my self and I’m almost 28!! Is that normal!!!

  23. SKL says:

    Yes, Nikki, that is totally normal, and much better than the alternative!

  24. Candi says:

    Nicole, you are a a good best friend, girl, I love you a ton.

  25. Jennifer says:

    I agree totally with so many of these responses! I agree that there must be something from you, whether it be some positive vibes or something that makes her want to be with you. That’s great. However I completely agree with SKL, the ideal thing to do is to sever ties while things are good and leave things on a good note.

    With that said though, it sounds like first off this woman hasn’t really left you with a positive experience to end on, and that she really is socially clueless to the point that subtle hints might go right past her.

    My husband had a similar situation a few years ago with a childhood friend. The friend got really intense to the point of carrying on about my husband being his best friend etc, etc, etc….and it felt like every move my husband made was being shadowed. My husband tried innocently enough to explain that they were just friends, that he didn’t believe in subscribing to a ‘best friend’ (a term that honestly he hadn’t really used since middle school) and the guy just flipped out. He too was just so socially clueless. My husband now has very limited dealings with him, which is sad since they grew up together.

    If this woman really doesn’t ‘get it’ you may have to just be blunt let her call you horrible names and hope she leaves you alone after that. (She wouldn’t be the sort to stalk you would she if angry?)

  26. Joy says:

    I’m not really sure of that Jennifer. That’s kind of why I’ve tried the “hinting” around. I wouldn’t think she would do anything wacky like that. I do have a warning though with the dogs barking. Nobody can come in here without my knowing. That’s really the only good things about having dogs these days.

  27. Stacy says:

    Wow. I am going through exactly the same thing. Did you ever get away from her?

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