I’ve kind of talked about this before but not as a whole post so I’m going to elaborate more on it. I’m wondering if it happens to other people as much as it’s happened to me in my life.
Talking people into things. Does this happen to you? Or are you one of those people that are always trying to talk other people into doing what you want them to do?
This has happened to me my whole life. When the boys were in school, I was a walking “ask Joy, she’ll do it” type person. I remember the year I was the volunteer coordinator for the PTA and it was the last year I had a major title. I was always involved but not in that capacity. Why you ask? I was always the one putting every school function together and didn’t get to enjoy anything with my own two boys. I had to be at the school the first day to greet the Kindergartners and my own son Toby missed the bus and was late for school and I was out greeting other kids. Talk about feeling guilty. Every “Pastries for Parents” to the book fairs to the carnivals, I never got to do it with my own kids.
As I grew up I seemed to be a magnet for people always trying to talk me into doing things I don’t want to do. There is one lady from bowling who never failed to try and talk me into going to the bar after bowling even though I told her I won’t drink and drive and I want to get home to play darts with my husband. She looked at me like I was nuts. But sure enough, week after week it was always the same. Every week my answer was the same. My mom is always trying to tell me I should love golf. I don’t love golf. I’m 50 years old and I think by now I’d know if I loved something. I like driving the golf cart and being outside but the golf itself, I am not fond of it. Nor am I going to force myself to do it for someone else.
So I wonder why people do this. Do you know people like this? Or are you the the kind of person who thinks you can change someones mind?
I sometimes feel it’s a tug of war with certain people.
Us Girls..Our Views 
I think I do this, and it gets done to me as well. Why? Well, I often feel like the other person is 99% there and just needs a little nudge for her own good, you know? Because I care and I hate seeing people hurt themselves. I would never push social or entertainment stuff, but when it comes to taking care of oneself, I can’t help it. It seems selfish not to.
As to why I let others push me – I think I have a permanent guilt complex. I always want to do more “for a cause,” even though I already have too much on my plate. It always seems at the time like I could squeeze it in – but I always underestimate the time commitment. One would think I would learn by now. I am recently getting a bit better at saying no, since I’ve pretty much lost the ability work overnight several nights a week to marginally keep things rolling. As far as social stuff – I can’t bear to say “no thanks, it’s not my cup of tea,” but it helps that I now have kids and I regularly use them as an excuse.
I inherited a martyr complex from my mother. I love to help other people and be involved, but I hate that I feel I can’t say no without overwhelming guilt, so I definitely understand where you are coming from!
The thing I hate the most is when I’ve told someone MANY times, no thank you and they keep it up and up. That woman at bowling was just awful. Oh come on she says, it’ll be fun! No thanks I say and it’s like I never said anything, “oh come on, you’ll have fun” like she never heard me. I just can’t stand that.
I’m a people pleaser too. I think I get talked into things b/c I’m always so afraid of upsetting someone or hurting their feeling. The last thing i want is someone mad at me. It’s a horrible feeling. I’m working on that though, to not let other people dictate MY life and not let someones judgment of me bother me. Because at the end of the day the only people I care about how they feel about me is my husband and son.
I have only two friends because I don’t like to be talked into anything. The first friend I’ve known since I was 10 so she knows better. The second friend I warned ahead of time when our friendship was new. I told her I don’t have people to my house very often and I never go hang out with anyone other than my daughter and son. So she and I are phone friends. My family knows not to try to talk me into doing anything. They are welcome to ask but know that I will do what I want. All this came with age. I wasn’t like this when I was younger. I also don’t ask anyone to do anything for me. I think this sometimes annoys my daughter because I am disabled and still won’t ask. I try to do everything myself. That’s why I can’t be married. I am too stubborn and selfish. Though I will do anything for my family if it will help them. I will do anything to help my daughter because she has helped me so much. The same goes for my wasband and my sister. My son I have had to let go of somewhat because of his addictive qualities. He has to learn to fend for himself, though I talk to him every day. He has relied on me far too long. And that whole business of come on you’ll have fun, everyone knows not to try that on me. I’ll go if I choose. Don’t ask me twice.
I also don’t know when to stop writing. Ha! Ha!
Joan, I just adore you.
It used to happen alot, I was the doormat, got something to be done ask SF warra warra it drove me nuts and still some people try to do it. It got to a point that I rebelled against these people – supposed friends and family. Admittedly they didn’t like it much. I am with you on this one, there comes a point when enough is just enough. I now turn around and just say “Look you’re now really starting to piss me off, you don’t want that neither do I, nice weather?”
All said and done I still have this problem, I am a big softie…
I’m just like that too Audrey. What I always think is I don’t like/want to hurt anyone’s feelings. What about the fact that they are hurting mine?? I’ve gotten a lot better at just saying “no thanks, I’d rather not” but those “ones” who know I don’t want to do something and still say “oh, come on it’ll be fun,” those are the ones I think are just clueless and I probably wouldn’t hurt them anyway because they must be one can short of a 6 pack to begin with!
“one can short of a 6 pack to begin with!” I am so going to have to use that expression, its excellent!!!
I have a friend who is a true, best friend, and has been for going on 20 years, yet she canNOT remember certain things about me – or not to ask me about – like the fact that I do NOT like lamb or lentils, not ever in any form or combination; that no, I do NOT want more curry/gravy, I like things more dry, and no, I don’t want more meat, I prefer vegetarian; that no thanks, I would rather not taste anything that even your dead taste buds find spicy; that I would rather have less money and more free time; etc. I can tell her the same thing literally a thousand times and it won’t change her behavior. And yeah, she talks me into a lot of stuff. Yes, it bugs me. But, she is still my best friend and I have come to accept this as part of who she is.
This doesn’t really happen to me because everyone I know, knows they can’t talk me into anything. I’m the “responsible” one in our group. Sometimes that’s a bad thing. When you’ve grown up with most of your friends, they know you to well to do stuff like this and most of my pals, I went all through school with.