Empty Nest at 28??

I know I’m only 28 but this feeling is already here!! I get sad every year when Bailey goes back school. But it’s entirely different this time. The transition between 2nd and 3rd grade I think is a HUGE one. He suddenly seems so much older. He’s playing football now. He doesn’t want me walking him in to school anymore. I don’t know if girls go through that. As a parent of only one son it is hard to let go, but I have no choice. He’s not really giving me a choice here. He’s getting older and he is constantly reminding me of that. In the way he talks, acts, dresses.

I thought I had come to terms with the fact that I could never have another child. Sure I think about it from time to time but in the end I know I can’t so why even think about it right? WRONG!! Now, suddenly it doesn’t matter. The fact that I physically cannot have more children. The feeling of wanting a baby is stronger than even before I had Bailey. And knowing I can’t hurts so much. I almost feel less of a women. Everyone around me is having babies, even my darn cat!! I have two friends that just had babies and one that had one 7 months ago and is having another one in 3 months. My niece is having one. Two of my cousins are having babies…but I can’t! It’s actually very frustrating. Just imagine…wanting something so incredibly bad and knowing you will never get it. Doing daycare I know will help keep my mind occupied but even then they have to go home. I love my son more than life itself, this has nothing to do with Bailey. But he is slowly not needing me as much anymore. And he’s always been more of a daddy’s boy. I have my niece but again, she’s not mine. Adoption is out of the question because it costs so much money but I would do that in a heart beat.

Tuesday was the kids’ first day back to school, and I had no daycare kids that day. That’s when the overwhelming feeling started. I made it till about noon and ended up having to go to one of my girlfriends who has a baby and I just held him as long as I could. Today I feel like I want to explode. Joy suggested volunteering at the school which I plan on doing. I guess I’ll just have to deal with this feeling and pray to God it goes away because it is the worst kind of feeling. I know a lot of parents can’t wait for school to start and I certainly don’t think that makes you a bad parent it’s just that I don’t understand it. I wish I was somewhere in between. I want to be happy, not feel sad when he leaves to go to school. If I feel like this now how am I going to feel when he does really leave for college or moves out when he is of age?? I don’t know how to handle it now and he comes home everyday!! Has anyone else gone through this at a young age or even when your kids were grown and left? Keeping my mind busy with other things I know will help but it’s this overwhelming urge for my own child that I’m really having a hard time with. I need help!!

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13 Responses to Empty Nest at 28??

  1. SKL says:

    There are many people in your situation. Myself, I was not attempting to have children at 28 since I wasn’t married, but there are many at your age who deal with “secondary infertility.” Maybe you can find a community online if you google it. People who have been through this before might have some good thoughts for you.

    About adoption, how much have you looked into it? Are you sure there are no affordable options in your state? Because there are a lot of different options out there, and I’ve heard that some really don’t cost that much.

    Also, have you ever considered foster care? I personally don’t think I could give the kids back, but there are some kids whose parents have such big issues, they are going to be fostered up to adulthood or foster-to-adopt for sure. These kids come with their own baggage, but at least you could look into it and think about whether you’re willing to take on the challenge.

    If you are interested, consider checking out the forums at adoption.com. There is a wealth of information and support on every aspect of adoption. This will keep your mind busy for a while if nothing else!

    I like the idea of volunteering at school. Personally, I’d do better using the other parts of my brain, so to speak – e.g., talking to adults rather than kids – but that’s just me.

    You could always join the PTA . . . never know how high you might climb from there, heh heh.

  2. muddleheaded says:

    Dear Blogger,
    well i guess you are a perfect woman. you think like a woman and a mother for that matter because a mother is always there to give… give her love, affection, time and everything to her babies… so she had to think like the way you are… but do you believe in “everything happens for a reason”… it seems like an old cliche now but i still believe in that… and there must be some good in whatever God has taken back from you… pray to him for your good… who knows some miracle may happen…

  3. SanityFound says:

    All I can say is *hugs*

  4. Tosha says:

    Just wait till you have a 4th grader! LOL.. My oldest started 4th grade this year and even though I have younger children the OMG factor hit me big this year..

    I know what you are saying and how you are feeling. At 18 I was told i’d never have kids. (Boy were they wrong) but I know how that feels.

  5. Candi says:

    Nicole, I do know this feeling as we talked on the internet about it the other day, i guess i can feel for you to the point, but another point i really cant, because, i can have more babies, and i cannot relate to you wanting one and not being able to. Sorry girl!!!!!!! I would rather have my kids home too, instead of school. I just want them home with me. I will be there for you at any time. I think that hanging out with friends, and keeping your mind off it will help. Spending time with frineds that have kids and doing things with moms of kids will also help. As we talked about kids growing up, they are getting to the point will they need you less, my kids are and yes it is sad, and you feel like……..but you are going to have to let your string lose more and more each year. You made a first big step by having Bailey go to pratice by him self, and letting him ride his bike in the circle. Having this feeling is like a part of us was taken and not given back, and that something is needed to complete my life. I am unsure of anymore babies, i can even belive I just sadi that, i can remember me and you talking about babies just a few months ago, and you were like you F**king better not have anymore, and now we are both wanting more. So that is crazy but true. love ya and take it easy. I am always up for a day of kids and moms hanging out at time or were. Apple Orchad are coming, and pumpkins patches, my favorite thing to do this time of year.

  6. Candi says:

    I do belive that everything happens for a reason, but i still sit and wonder why and what that reason is was, I try to find a solution for it. Sometimes in life I will just go day by day without planning, and just take the day as it comes. For the reason it will bring. I know worded funny, but its 730am, and I am not awake yet so sorry.

  7. mssc54 says:

    Joy; on one hand you should be so proud that you are raising a little man who is able to become so independant at such a young age.

    On the other hand… I can really feel you agony in this post.

    I suppose I am a bit different than a lot of guys but issues surrounding children just “grab me”.

    I believe that SKL has given you some wise counsel when she suggested looking into Foster Parenting.

    I think you may know that we were (my family) were asked to care for a two and four year old brother and sister thirty months ago. It was supposed to be just a few months until mom and dad stopped doing drugs and beating each other up. Long story short we should have them adopted before Thanksgiving.

    SKL was also correct in that these Foster children can come with their own baggage but most children do have issues.

    When we got our “new kids” the little two year old boy was extreme withdrawn. He walked around with his head down and would not make eye contact and barely made a sound much less talked. Now you wouldn’t recognise him as the same child.

    And our poor little girl (at the age of 4) was so screwed up psychologically she was only having a bowel movement ever week to ten days! Her psychiatrist said it was a control issue. Bless her little heart. For nearly a year I arranged my work schedule so her therapist could come to our home from 8-9am EVERY MONDAY to work with Lindsay.

    Both of our new kids are light years ahead of where they were just thirty months ago it can only be considered a “God thing”.

    Joy, I don’t tell you this to make you envious but rather to say that God is involved in your life too. We love children and never figured that when our oldest daughter was eighteen we would begin parenting all over again. However, God knew our hearts and He arranged it for us.

    Our Lord wants us to have the desires of our hearts. That is the unequivocal TRUTH! As we “seek ye first the Kingdom” He is able to work in our hearts to fulfill those desires. He will even show us the path to get there if we focus on Him and not the perceived problem (as we understand it).

    I encourage you, my sister, not to go to your Father as the last resort in prayer but too rather crawl up in to His lap, lay your head on His chest and enjoy the love He has for you.

    With all of the things that have occurred in my family dynamics overe the last thirty months there is one thing that I am resolutely clear of. His ways are definately not my ways. His ways are Higher than any other. Our Lord is ever faithful and is ALWAYS THERE TO COMFORT AND PROVIDE!

  8. Joy says:

    mssc54, I could have written this but I didn’t. Nikki, my daughter in law did. I’ll respond in a little bit. I have to weed out my thoughts or I’ll be writing forever!!

  9. novice101 says:

    What you are feeling is normal, a parent’s feeling for her offsprings never ends. No matter how old they are they are still children in our eyes.

    SKL has given you some options which are worth considering. Try wean yourself away from this attachment and you will feel better. Your son wants some space for himself, you should grant him that. It will do you good if you can grant yourself space too. Motherhood is great, you can be mother not only to your son, take this desire of yours and allow it to be played out in a bigger stage.

    May you find your true role soon.

  10. Joy says:

    Nikki, we all do feel this way sometimes. Nobody knows what I’ve gone through and it was much later in my life so we’ll skip that for now. I think the most important thing is to busy yourself. Your asking…..I really agree with what novice101 said about giving Bailey space. He does need it and you can’t make him feel bad because you feel bad. He’s growing and happy and if he sees you being sad, you’ll make him feel bad. He’s got such a tender heart. If I were you, I’d get out and volunteer somewhere, anywhere, but if you do go to the school, try and work in the office or media center or something like that. Don’t go sit in his classroom. I’d offer that or I’d suggest you try a different job. You don’t have Andrew everyday and I really feel your so young to be feeling this way and then being alone so much. Being alone when you feel like this is probably the worst thing you could do. Dwelling is never good and it just feeds off your feelings.

    I really do understand. You are going to have to let Bailey go a little more. He needs to learn to listen and not have you to take care of things he thinks are unimportant. Listening to directions on the football field are his responsibility now and you can’t blame yourself for these things. We’ll talk as much as you want to because I really do understand. Also, don’t let anyone tell you your crazy or your feelings are wrong because the way we feel is never wrong.

  11. Amber says:

    Nikki… I cannot have children at all. I ached for a long time over it, it still happens now and then.

    But I found out something very interesting. If you are meant to have a child, or be a mother, God has that planned. Me, I ended up rescuing and adopting a teenaged girl who needed us. And funnily, we needed her too.

    You never know what God will bring into your life. Be open to it. Make sure that you find your own life and focus on being the best version of you possible. Find things that are of interest and that are healthy for you. Everything will fall into place.

    I would not be so bold as to say any of this had I been childless completely and didn’t understand the sadness and loneliness of it. God gifted you with Bailey.. be grateful.

  12. Sue says:

    I don’t really know what the answer is for you. I think volunteering is a great idea, but in Bailey’s classroom might not be the best place. It’s hard knowing you’re done having kids when you weren’t ready to be. That’s how I felt after Chris. The doc didn’t say I can’t have more kids, but she chose her words carefully. Toby on the other hand made the decision that he was done and there I was. I wanted more he didn’t. That in itself can cause resentment, but then to have one person actually have a procedure done to be sterile I think can bring up other issues.

    I don’t think you are crazy for the way you feel. For gosh sakes, my girlfriend just had her 4th girl and she said to me when I was there to visit that she’s not sure if she’s ready to be done, isn’t that stupid? I said, why is that stupid? So you have 4 kids and want more, I don’t think that’s stupid?! Her husband on the other hand is done and made the appointment! I told her it can always be reversed. You are not alone that’s for sure so don’t isolate yourself or beat yourself up.

  13. nikki says:

    It’s been a few days, but thank you for your comments. I do know that my feelings do affect Bailey and I try not to let him see me sad. I am going to volunteer at the food shelf, I talked to them Tuesday. I also plan on volunteering at the school but not always in his class. I will do some in his classroom just not a lot. The separation is important for Bailey and myself. I’m feeling a little better, keeping myself busy with everyday things and spending time with friends.

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