It seems as if I have a shirt on my back that says, “involve me in your drama!” Or maybe I have SUCKER written on my forehead. I try so hard to keep to myself. I do not allow “drama” into my house. I hear people talk about their dramatic lives and think to myself…they must like it. Or why would they allow it? Everyone has a choice in most all aspects of their life. Having a healthy relationship with everyone in my life is important to me. I’ve had hard times with some, and some I have never had a problem with.
One friend in particular has been my friend for 5 years. She is the girlfriend of a friend we’ve know for about 10 years. They do not have a healthy relationship to say the least. However, when she vents to me, I sometimes agree with the things she says but most the time I just listen. When he vents I do the same. I never say, “well you shouldn’t be doing this or you should be doing that.” I lend some advice IF asked, but never really tell them EXACTLY how I feel. They don’t ask, I don’t tell. They fight often, about stupid stuff too. Like calling a knife a bread knife and she swears it’s not a bread knife. Oh yea, she blew up…the NEXT day!!!
Let me start from the beginning of this little fiasco. Sunday I get a call from her, saying god only knows what because she was so upset that I could not understand a word she was saying. He gets on the phone and asks me this, “Are all of you over there afraid of me and think I’m a piece of shit?” My response is,”ummm, NO” So, he goes on to ask if we are forcing her to stay with him. Again my response is…NO! I’m not sure why she is saying these things. She is obviously upset at something other than a knife. I say to him, “I think you both do this shit.” You both fight about stupid, petty things. You both have to walk on egg shells around each other, one wrong word will set it off. He agrees and says out loud that he agreed with me that they BOTH are in the wrong. I hear her in the back ground call me a stupid b**tch. He had to have known I heard that because he quickly hung up the phone. I was shocked and speechless. In the 5 years they have been together, we have been friends, without the slightest disagreement. Out of ALL my friends and even my family she was the last person I thought would ever say something like that to me or about me.
It’s almost 4 days later and still no apology. Jason thinks I should call her, but I don’t think I should have to. I didn’t call them and invite myself into their mess of a relationship. I always stay out of it, never picking one side over the other. So why do they feel it necessary to get me involved every time they fight?
He’ll call me and ask me if I think she’s cheating on him. I mean this has been going on for years. I love them both and they should not be together but I have never said this to them. It is the most unhealthy relationship I have ever witnessed. So since they keep doing this to me, I’m starting to get to the point where I may just put it all out on the table. But why should I?? It’s not my drama, not my problem!!! But I’m getting sick of playing devils advocate, and then being called a stupid b**ch.
I’m at my wits end with these two and I have no idea how to handle this one. When I do hear from her, do I just blow it off, because what she said was out of anger? Do I say exactly what’s on my mind, even if she doesn’t ask for it?? What do I do???
You should change the subject when either of them start to vent. If they ask you questions that you are not comfortable with… then you need to say – Look, I don’t feel comfortable discussing my private friendship with them with someone else!
People only vent to you if you encourage that behavior. If you seem uninterested, they will stop.
Honestly, I think you’ll have to get blunt. Tell them both you’re done with the drama and you don’t want to hear it because their business is THEIR BUSINESS. If one of them calls and starts in about the other, “I’m sorry, but I’m not doing this with you. I told you I wouldn’t.” -click!-
I know it sounds mean and you risk losing the friendships, but what kind of friendship is that, really? You sound more like referee than trusted confidante.
Just my two cents. Probably worth about that much, too. Good luck, whatever you decide. (PS: You’re too nice a person to put up with that crap!) ;0)
Well, Girl, for one thing you are not a stupied b**ch, I love ya to death. I really do think that you need to call her on that, even though if was out of angery, I guess unless she is the person that will just make things worse, by you asking why she did that. No friends should be calling anyone names, If they are a true friend. You may need to start to get blunt with them both. If they both are fighting like that then they should realize it, and change it, or both back off. It can be done. I did it. So that is my thing from a friend to a friend. Love ya lots girl
Sometimes we are too nice for our own good. We’re afraid to hurt other people’s feelings, so we hem and haw, and say nothing, and then someone turns around and calls us a ‘stupid b*’… yeah, it’s happened to me, too. But in my case, it was ‘momma’s baby’ (at age 32) and another time, I was verbally dressed down in front of a crowd for asking the other person to be quiet so I could answer a barrage of questions.
What I’ve learned from this is, for better or worse, we live in a society where people don’t know how to take subtle hints anymore. Things have gotten so… coarse, I guess… that they don’t realize that they’re so focused on themselves that it’s gone overboard. These folks don’t realize that your life doesn’t revolve around them, and they need to be taken down a notch.
My cousin has a great way of getting the point across… when someone starts talking about something she doesn’t want to discuss (usually gossip), she simply says, “la la la”. The other person gets the point pretty quickly. And I’m sure, feels a bit foolish, to boot.
I think this recent event might be the catalyst for you to make your relationship with each of them a bit more healthy. They have both been using you for their relational whipping boy. You are in a nurturing role without any of the benefits (e.g., fulfillment of seeing them grow). Well, now you pretty much have to say “something” (or drop them both completely).
I think I’d say something like: “OK, if you want to discuss this with me, you need to be willing to hear my honest opinion. So let me know. Otherwise, we need to talk about something else.” And if they ask for your honest opinion, then give it. “I’m not telling you what to do, but here is how I see yor relationship. You decide what to do about it.” I also think it might make sense to say: “I don’t want to be in the middle of this any more, so from now on, anything I say to you about your relationship, I am also going to tell [boyfriend/girlfriend] so nobody misunderstands me.”
Nikki, I feel like everyone else. You have to say something so they know this is NOT okay. They are making you feel bad and are putting you in the middle without your permission and it’s time to stop.
A lot of people really get into this kind of unhealthy stuff. A lot of people for whatever reason, enjoy fighting. I’m not sure where it comes from or the why’s of it but I’ve known many people who enjoy this kind of thing. I hate to fight but there are those who really get into it. The problem is they probably forgot about it or got over it right away while you were still feeling bad. They called you, involved you and you are still feeling bad about it while chances are high that they are so used to it that they didn’t even give it a thought.
Think about the girls. How do you think they feel about this? Your not the only one who has to deal with it. I had an aunt and uncle like this who loved the whole fighting thing. They’d go round after round with each other and often got violent and then they’d have sex. They loved it.
To a certain degree, you are letting them do this by accepting it and listening to them. No matter how you do it, you have to tell them that it’s over and done. They can’t continue to make you feel bad. It was your day at home with Jason and Bailey. Your day to yourselves and I’ll bet they ruined your day and they probably didn’t even think a thing of it. If you haven’t talked to them or gotten an apology, they don’t see it. It’s one thing to “vent” to you but totally another to name call.
I have to talk to them. There is something in what everyone said that got to me. I want so bad for them to just have a normal, loving relationship. Joy, the worst thing about his entire situation is…the girls were there. I wanted so bad to go pick them up but I knew that would cause a storm I would never be able to weather. I still feel horrible and hurt, and you’re right they are so used to it that they probably got over and didn’t think twice about it. I love his girls like there my own flesh and blood, I’ve watched them grow up. I had a chance to talk to the oldest that Friday night before all of this. She didn’t want to be with them, b/c all they do is fight. And it is was Alison’s birthday Saturday too. MY heart is absolutely broken for them. We’ll see how it goes. They come over every single Friday, so when and if they do, I will be sitting them down. I can’t feel like this, every time the phone rings I think it’s her and then I’m sad again. That isn’t right.
Best not to get involve in a lover’s quarrel. You can never win and will always make out to be the ‘scapegoat’.
When they are quarelling and wish to win support, they bore you to death. When they kiss and make up, you are turn into their common ‘foe’.
Joy… lol, do you see the irony in this post?
It (to me) is really funny! You begin by saying how you don’t like drama and don’t let it into your life and then you not only entertain someone else’s drama but you then pass it on to us! rofl That’s just funny.
Believe it or not I try to avoid drama when I can. That’s exactly why when you “started at the beginning” I skipped down to the final paragraph.
Drama is like gossip. It takes at least two. The one whom has been “tramatized” (or the gossiper) and the one who is willing to give up a portion of their life to listen to it.
If no one listens no one spreads it. 😉
mssc54, Nikki wrote this one!! LOL!!!
I’m not spreading gossip, I was simply asking for some advice.
Nikki, I know what it’s like to be in the middle. In retrospect, you know where you “shoulda” cut it off, but you don’t realize it until it’s too late. And the whole time, you were just trying to be kind.
I don’t think mssc was saying you spread gossip, but that you should refuse to listen to the drama next time.
I know, easier said than done. But not an altogether bad idea.
I took it as you were asking for advice and not gossiping. That’s what we’re here for. To ask things of each other.
I do understand SKL. It’s my nature to help and it’s also my nature to be kind. What I have to do should have been done years ago, I know. The middle part of my post, to which mssc skipped, was simply explaining the conversation that hurt me so bad and to give a glimpse into the situation. I’m no longer helping anyone, even when asked. It’s sad really because I don’t see it being bad to want to help but I know I can’t fix life’s problems. I’m the one that ends up hurt in the long run anyway, so I’m done simple as that!
Man…. that fine print always gets me. lol
Nikki, for the record I didn’t say you were gossiping. I merely insinuated you were gossiping.
No, really what I was saying that listening to people ulload the trauma of their life is much like a person listening to gossip.
If no one listened the unloader couldn’t unload and the gossiper couldn’t gossip.