How difficult is it for you to forgive someone who refuses apologize?
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Us Girls..Our Views 
Easy. I have no problem “letting things go.” My problem is that the person who won’t apologize is usually holding out for an apology from me. Sometimes I fake an apology just so we can both move on.
I know I should hypothetically just let it go but it does depend on the crime. If you hurt me beyond a certain level then even forgiveness won’t replace trust.
I used to apologize all the time when I really shouldn’t have had to just to smooth things over. I don’t anymore. Chances are if that person isn’t willing to apologize they don’t feel they did anything wrong, so why would I forgive. In order to receive forgiveness you must first admit you did wrong. If they feel they did no wrong, your forgiveness is empty to them so what’s the point. I guess the severity of the issue would determine if I could just forget about it and move on without acknowledgment or an apology. If feelings were severely hurt chances are I won’t forgive until they acknowledge their wrong doing. Great question!
It depends on the situation. However, I am working on forgiving people regardless of if they “deserve” it or not. Up to 77 times…
The thing about apologies is, they can block the learning process. Many of us are just too defensive. One has to really make oneself vulnerable to say “sorry.” To unconditionally acknowledge that you suck, and leave it to the other person to decide to forgive you or beat the hell out of your ego. Like opening up your armor and leaving it to your victim to decide whether or not to stab you through the heart.
My view is that it’s fine to let the other person know that you feel they are wrong. That will make them think and maybe choose to change their behavior and even make amends in ways that allow them to still feel safe. Putting them on the defensive will just keep those walls built up. Now, if the person is someone you want nothing to do with any more, that’s fine. And I could see having a “time out” for a really bad offense. Just to show the person that you respect yourself.
Just my humble opinion.
wow another good question.
I was accused of something a few years back. What I did was voice my opinion…what I was accused of was “gossip” Ok..call it whatever you want.
so smear who called the thing gossip has held a grudge. I felt I really didn’t owe anybody an apology. I still don’t. So we “ignore” each other. He thinking i owe him an apology and me thinking he owes me one for harrassing me at work and blowing up my answering machine trying to get me to “explain” myself to him. No..didnt’ feel the need to explain or make excuses..I pretty much told him I didn’t like him, didn’t like the way he did things and I didn’t understand how that became gossip or slander or anything else. I’ve got no problem calling somebody in authority out on the carpet if I believe what they are doing is wrong. So that was a long answer. Here we are years later. Our way….ignore each other cuz neither of us is going to address the situation. Sometimes I think it’s better just to leave it alone.
java, I’m so with you on “leaving it alone.” I’m very slow to anger and even slower to “forgive.” I wouldn’t really call it forgiving either because we all know deep inside, that forgiving is sometimes hard to do but I’m 100% for leaving it be. I can very easily “forgive” but “forgetting,” that’s another story. Once someone really hurts me, I’m on my guard and there is “something” lost. It depends how personal it is.
Nikki, I used to say I was sorry for everything. Even if something happened to someone else and had nothing to do with me, I’d say I was sorry. It took me a lot of years but now I say “I’m sorry that happened to you” instead of just “I’m sorry.” Does that make sense to anyone?? Saying I’m sorry insinuates that it had something to do with you where the other just means your sorry someone is going through something. Okay, come on, in my head it makes sense!!!
Yea I see what you all are saying. But is just leaving it alone truly forgiving? Or maybe I’m looking into it way to much. I don’t know, I guess forgiveness is more in your heart than actual words. SKL is that what you mean?
It’s so hard to explain. I guess I feel some people say they are sorry and you know it’s not meant. So then there are “explanations” and “defensiveness” starts up and it seems to start all over. I’d rather say “sorry” and then let it go. I’m not sure there’s such a thing as “true” forgiveness for some things but that doesn’t mean we can’t “let it go” and “start over.”
Nikki, yes, I think forgiveness is in the heart, and basically it is your heart accepting and loving the other person despite his actions. I think you can forgive a person and still teach him a lesson. The two things are separate in my mind, and they don’t have to happen at the same time.
I am not saying you shouldn’t voice your feelings if you are hurt. I’m just saying that to me, that’s usually enough, and the results happen over time. Getting an apology back just isn’t something I care about. Actually, is it really unconditional love if an overdue apology is so important?
I’d rather say “What you did was hurtful to me, and the next time I want you to [do x].” Then if the person makes an effort to do better next time, to me, that’s a lot better than a spoken apology. But it requires giving them a chance. I realize that some people truly don’t deserve that chance until they earn it.
Thanks for putting it into perspective SKL. You’re right, if an apology is needed then it really isn’t unconditional love. I will try to remind myself of that!
I use to apologize all the time to just smooth things over and let their be peace,even if I had done nothing wrong.If I have done wrong,I will admit it and apologize.And i learn from that.Sorry is a big and powerful word.If its repeated over and over for the same thing,it begins to be a empty word to me.It takes alot and long time for me to get angry,but when I do,i hold on to that for awhile.But in time I have learned to let my anger go,cause i am the only one that it affects.I dont wait to hear those from others,it may never come.And worrying about it only caused me stress.Life is too short.It took me 17years to phone my 1st husband and tell him i forgave him for what I endured in our marriage,he accected it,but he never said sorry.But thats ok,cause I did my part,and it felt like a big burden fell off my shoulders and I felt great for the first time in years.So i learned from that experience that its better to let go of your anger,you suffer and thay dont.But I have one issue in my life were a wrong was done to me.The person had wronged me in a devastating way.He apologized and I still cannot forgive.I feel slowly i am,but I feel if I completely forgive him,then i condone what was done.I believe that we should hate no one.But i also believe that we can chose not to be around them and that I dont have to like who thay are or what they do.I can chose not to be around them.
I am the queen of grudges! I did not talk to my father for 14 years because he would not apologize for something.
To me actions speak louder than words. I think the word “Sorry” is tossed around way to lightly now days.
Joy ~ You made sense in my head to. That’s a good thing, right?! 🙂
I hear you Pam.
Thank god JAM!!!! I AM NOT ALONE!!!
I have a hard time with it to be honest. I feel that if you make a mistake or so something that deserves an apology to someone then you should do so. I have always apologised for my actions when needed and I guess I expect the same in return.
To me, people that don’t apologize for their actions or words when they know they should are very disrespectful.
I am one of those people who forgive others, but I do not always forget! I was told once, that is OK.t
I don’t believe forgiving someone necessarily means you have to reconcile with them. To me, forgiving means you no longer carry the hurt around with you. If you continue to carry the grudge, you give the wrongdoer power over how you feel. Why give them that power? Forgive, move on, let it go–however you want to word it–and then, if it was something very hurtful, steer clear of the person and become the best YOU can possibly be!