Slow Simmer, Fast Boil?

 

I know that we all have tempers.  I’m just confused as to the way we all handle them so differently.  I’m a total *slow boiler* and it’s something that all my life, I’ve wished I could change.  How do we just change the way we are?

Some people can just say right up front the way things are and the way they feel.  Without any guilt or any worry over hurting someones feelings.  That’s another thing, hurting someones feelings.  Is it temperament, compassion or what is it??

I can probably say with utmost sincerity that if I was at a restuarant, I’d eat cold food.  I might even eat the wrong thing if it were brought to me.  I’ve seen people send back food time after time thinking, I’d never do that.

I am very slow to anger.  But the down side to that is that once I’m mad, I’m really, REALLY mad and most times, I’m mad about 25,903,483 things and the thing that gets brought up first might be something like “you forgot to shut the door.” Every single thing I’ve ever been mad at that person for, gets brought up and then, I’m very hard to get over it.  I hang on to it sometimes….well… forever if I’m going to be honest.

Then you have the people who just come right out and say what I’ve done, hurt them.  Right now, clean cut, over and done with.  So just what is it that makes each of us handle this differently?  I have two boys and my oldest will tell you right to your face if he’s mad and most importantly, why.  My mom is like this and so is my husband and his family.  Now my youngest, he’s just like I am.  The madder he is, the quieter he becomes.  Just like my dad, my brother and I.

I don’t fight either very often.  I’m just quiet.  I feel that once something is said, it’s never forgotten and when you say things in anger they never go away and that person will always remember that.  Another thing I hate about myself is that I expect people to read my mind.  If I’m mad, they should damn well know why since I’m mad at them!!  Total wrongness, I know that but how can I change?  I’m more worried about hurting someone else’s feelings so I just keep things inside.

What about you?  How do you get all fired up and how do you handle it??

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17 Responses to Slow Simmer, Fast Boil?

  1. javajunkee says:

    I have a short fuse. I think it’s cause of my german background (at least it sounds like a good excuse right?)

    my moms dad came from Germany and I guess he was a hot head…it’s kind of carried down.

    over the years and medication it’s gotten shorter though. It doesn’t take much to set me off. I really don’t have a problem not holding it in and that’s caused a lot of hard feelings and relationship failures in my life.

    I wouldn’t want to be a doormat but I wish I could ease up a bit 😦

  2. JavaQueen says:

    Amazing post. I use to be EXACTLY like you. I use to hold it in and let it FESTER until I blew my cork on that person for the incident- and every other wrong they ever committed against me (especially to the huz). I have changed. I have learned through the years and by the grace of God… that it’s better/healthier to just be honest and up front in a nice way. But what if the other person gets hurt feelings? Too bad. That’s life and sometimes the truth hurts.

    Now, on the flip side. There are times where I cannot say how I feel because I have severe PMS and I might also kill someone so those are the only times I just “KNOW” in my heart and soul to keep my mouth shut. Deep breathes, LOL!

    Just as others are allowed to be up front and honest with you, this means in turn- that you have the same rights. You are important too and your voice needs to be heard.

    You’ll notice though, when you go to make the change, the people around you will not like it at first. Stay strong because holding things inside literally hurts your heart.

    Even now that I’m very truthful about my feelings- I am slow to get mad. Not much bothers me. I only get pissed when someone is rude and inconsiderate – or mean. Then the gloves come off baby! And, it’s ugly. LOL!

    I love your blog. I think your questions are amazing and I’m not sure how you think of this? Have a Happy Easter!

  3. shane says:

    It’s funny as I was reading this I thought you where talking about me. Me and you are exactly the same way Joy. I will build, and build, and build things up and then when I explode I’m mad at absolutely everything. Usually when I start to get mad I get very, very quiet. Probably because I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings but another thing is that I don’t like confrontations.

    • Joy says:

      Well Shane, welcome to the club. It’s called the “Froom Club” and I think most of us are alike. I can only think of one Froom who’s not like this. I hate confrontations too. The other funny thing is why is it okay for someone to hurt my feelings but I would never hurt theirs???

      Your a chip off the old block 😉

    • tessa says:

      Shane, you are a water sign-Cancer, which is like me-a temperament where we keep it inside-withdrawal-and get intense inside not outside. Same with your dad! I don’t think anyone (hardly) likes to hurt someones feelings or like confrontation!

      • shane says:

        I really beleive astrology signs have a lot to do with temperment. Me and my dad are identical and as we all know Eric has a very short fuse. I disagree with you on confrontations though, Jason Bailey loves confrontations I think.

  4. pammy wammy says:

    i also am in the Froom club.I slowly simmer.When I get upset or mad at someone,I become very quiet.My family and close friends who no me well,no I AM MAD.They say I get this “LOOK”.I dont no what the look is,but I guess I do.It stays inside,the anger.And if its very upsetting to me,I will make myself literally sick.I admit that I do hold a grudge.I dont forget the anger that has been put on me.I try to avoid those people.I dont hate anyone,I just dont like some people and how they have treated me,so I chose not to be around them.Sometimes if certain NAMES are mentioned,my heart begins to race.So now I take deep breathes and release the anger.If I dont,I believe they win.And I wont let them win.I HATE confrontations.I am more of a peacemaker,not a fighter.Over the years(and its been many,many years)HE HE,I have tryed to let go of the anger alot sooner,cause i am the only one who suffers,not them.Its getting easier to let go of my anger.But at times the slow simmer,simmers till my last thread is about to break.Then I get mad at something so little.And I make it feel 100% worse than what it is.If I am in the wrong I have no problem apoplogizing,once i settle down and think.I rarely get mad,its too hard to hang onto it anymore.I never want to hurt anothers feelings.Things can be said in love and if appropriate.This anger issue is a big one for me.Its ok to be angry,but how I use the anger is more important to me.I do feel the anger,try to let it go and move on.But if something needs to be said,I will remove myself from the situation,calm down and then talk about it.If the other person is still in the angry mode,I WALK away,knowing I tried.It took me years to learn this and from some great councelling I took in 2005 for a year from an awesome councellor.

  5. Karen Joy says:

    I am like JavaQueen.It really is healthier to be honest and up front.I think it allows me to FORGIVE(thats big) and move on sooner.I do anger fast but its confronted and dealt with and its over,IF the person I’m dealing with will allow diolage.I find it frustrating when the other person runs away from the problem and wont let us “iron things out”.Thats when something small turns into something HUGE!Anyhow,I guess I am not in the Froom club uh?LOL!Am I the one you refered to Joy?
    Well,I think we need to remember how life moves so fast and its to short to live in anger….nothings worth dwelling on that long!And whether we are one way or the other I think its a life long process of better ourselves and how we deal with others and our own issues.We are all a work in progress!Just cut me slack during PMS….PLEASE!

    • Joy says:

      Actually Karen, I didn’t know you were one of the brave ones. I was thinking of Shelley. She’ll just plow anyone over. I think it’s more healthy to be like you are but I’ve tried and just can’t let myself be that up front.

  6. Karen Joy says:

    Oh gosh..I hope I dont plow people over!Ok,maybe I am a little inbetween.I do have to watch how things come out of my mouth,need to stop and calm down before I say anything.Thats come with maturing I think but I REALLY have to work on it.If we all could just find a happy meduim!

    • Joy says:

      I’m sure you don’t plow people over. You remind me so much of your mom. She always spoke her mind but she was able to do it with a smile on her face and I’ll bet your like that too 🙂

      I have stopped being a “doormat” though since I’ve gotten older. If I don’t want to do something, I’ll say it now. For years I couldn’t even say no to anyone. I’ve got a post about that coming up.

      It is to bad we can’t all be somewhere in the middle. We all seem to be an “all or nothing” group.

  7. Laura (LS) says:

    I think for me, it depends upon the situation. I’m totally up front and honest with Hot Rod. He gets to see my anger, my temper, and in return (for better or worse…) I get to see his. But then, there are apologies, hugs, and everything is fine. No grudges, no “you’ve been a little s*** all day, BOY are you gonna get it now!!” We hash it out, I dole out punishment, he sits on the Frownie Chair and mutters, and then it’s done. Fresh slate.

    Other people? Unless it’s someone who cuts in line in front of me or does something else rude, I generally just let it go. I don’t get mad. I might get frustrated, I might say something sarcastic and biting, I might even ‘get in their face’ about their rudeness – case in point… my neighbor was here last night, talking to her friend on the phone, he didn’t believe her that she was here and not at home, so she put me on the phone. I said, “Hi!” and he said (no joke) “Who the F*** is this???” I said, “I’m probably twice your age, AND a lady. Do NOT use that language with me.” It surprised him and he apologized. I can do that with strangers. I generally don’t get mad at family or friends. We’re very open and honest with one another, and can accept differing opinions, find a solution when we’re going at a problem a different way. Lucky there, I guess.

    But with Sparky? Yikes. It’s Stew City there. We have VERY different tempers. He has an extremely short fuse, almost nonexistent, whereas mine is roughly 10.8 miles long. But then, one day, something happens, he says something, gets up in my face, and I pull an Edgar Montrose: KABOOM!!!! Up it all goes, like dynamite, because really, Joy, you have an excellent point…. you don’t treat others this way, but it’s ok to treat me like that? And then he walks away, refusing to discuss *any* of it.

    … Aaaaaand now you understand many of the posts on my site…

  8. tessa says:

    I get mad slowly like you. I am very emotional and I can be very resentful and unforgiving like you said. It takes awhile to get over things. But I have learned to change by recognizing these are my weaknesses and being mindful when I get angry. Now, I am more likely to express my feelings right away. I think change is why we as humans exist. To transform into better people until we’re at our best-or close to God and being compassionate beings towards ourselves and others-this is what I think personally about change. We all have different temperaments, and I believe our astrology signs shows this. In astrology, there are 4 different temperaments (earth, wind, fire, and earth. Fire signs are quick tempered (Eric), and Water (me) and Earth (Joy) tend to keep it inside and let it boil!
    Great thought provoking post! Happy Easter 🙂

  9. Doraz says:

    Joy, I have always picked with caution. I handle each situation as I see necessary.

  10. javajunkee says:

    so I’m the only shoot first ask questions later girl here? 😦

  11. goldenamber says:

    I used to get all angry and yell and scream. That was the way I was raised. Hot blooded Italian. But when I turned 30, I didn’t like that. I didn’t like who I was when I was acting that way. So since then I have chosen not to be like that.

    The only people who get get me back to that place is my family. They are all that way and I lose myself back into old habits. Proudly however, I can say in the past 12 years I have lost my temper maybe 1 dozen times. Pretty good going.

    It takes me alot in REAL LIFE to get upset.

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