Epic Battle


So there I sat, while on vacation, taking a little “break”. I looked over at the wall…. Ahhh, a new roll of toilet paper. Pristine… untouched…. And completely sealed.

I reached over, grasped the little ‘tail’ that the company so graciously left for me, and gave a little tug. And the paper shredded. This is two-ply, mind you, so only the top layer shredded. The second layer remained firmly attached. So I tried again. Grasped the second layer by the same little tag, and tugged. It brought up the first ply of the next layer. And not only that, it tore about two inches up the roll, leaving most of the rest of the first square firmly sealed to the roll.

Crap. (No pun intended.)

Now I had the beginnings of a shredded disaster on my hands. I believe in preserving toilet paper – I’m neurotic about it, actually… being the proud owner of a septic system, I’m very aware of the havoc too much toilet paper can cause. So I hate to tear off more than I need.

I tried again. This time, I tried to separate the first square of two-ply from the second layer of paper by weaving my finger under the second ply, but the seal was just too tight. Damn those Quality Control Experts, and Damn that good ol’ American Work Ethic! Where is a slacker when you need him? Because now, not only was it too tight to fit my finger in under that crucial second ply, my fingernail caught on the second layer, and SHRED! Again! CRAP.

I was getting frustrated now, and more determined that I would prevail. It’s important to me to unroll toilet paper the proper way – to unseal that first square, and take it off the roll in the proper manner. (I don’t know why. It’s a quirk. One of many that either make me lovable or nuts. You decide.) But this roll just would. Not. Cooperate!

By now the entire first square was shredded, as was the corresponding square on the second layer, and I was well into shredding the THIRD layer, not to mention the second square on both top layers. It was becoming a mess, and I was getting just a little insane.

And my butt was getting cold.

In a final effort, I tried the Finger Weave one more time. Resigning myself to wasting at least one whole revolution, I worked my finger under the second layer (that’s four plys, people, FOUR!), and around to the perforation. Gently, oh so gently, I pried my finger up, against those perforations. And…. SHREDDDD….. it looked like it had gone three rounds with an over-nipped cat.

By now I was ticked. I ripped, I shredded, and FINALLY broke through that infernal seal, all the way down to the FOURTH LAYER. I finished what I needed to do, and exited, victorious. I had subdued the seal. And probably clogged the septic out of spite. I would have gone back and taken a picture, because I really did leave the roll in shreds, but I was afraid people would think I was crazy….

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15 Responses to Epic Battle

  1. Tosha says:

    Oh the woes of toilet paper!

  2. mssc54 says:

    I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

  3. Lol a post about toilet papers! 😀

  4. LOL. Very funny. I have been there. Is there anything more demoralizing than the epic battle with the roll of toilet paper.

  5. Sue says:

    That was great! Not for you I mean, but the story 🙂 Why is it that the seemingly simple things in life are the ones that get us the most? It’s like the paper towels too. They never tear off nice! Great story Laura.

  6. SKL says:

    I used to try to do toilet paper right, but they must have changed the way they manufacture TP, because now it’s a futile effort. As with other futile efforts, I give up before I start. Rip it from about 3-4 layers down, which usually avoids the “shredding” and wasting part. Then I can pretty up what’s left of the roll and still feel just as good when I leave.

    Sigh, all this heartache over toilet paper . . . .

  7. starlaschat says:

    Navar was walking by and saw the picture of the toilet paper and said”We need some of that.” I took one look at the picture and said.””Not that kind, that’s the bad stuff,LOL.” Looks like after hearing your story I was right. Yes it sure can be frustrating!

  8. Laura says:

    Just for the record? The battle ensued with the ‘Good Stuff’ – NORTHERN!!!

    (which is why I’m firmly in the Charmin camp)

  9. Just a Mom says:

    LOL! Thanks for a good laugh! Sorry it had to be at your expense, but thanks!

  10. nikki says:

    LOL…Charmin camp for me too! I cannot stand when it tears off in little pieces. WTH am I supposed to do with a bunch of torn up toilet paper!? Ohh this was funny..sorry! Laughing with ya not at ya!

  11. Joy says:

    This whole story just made my day. I can just relate to your whole sitting there, taking in the great view. Contemplating your life and even taking in the first attempts to get the roll started. Then time after time thinking “OH BLOODY HELL….RIP OFF RIGHT!!!” Oh, jeesh, to funny. I’d have loved to seen the roll when you were done.

    I hate that. Worse yet, I hate it when the “plys” are a touch off and the whole roll isn’t “matched” to the other plys and it’s always crooked. Paper towels can be bad too and I try every single time thinking this time will be different…but it never is!!

    Great post Laura.

  12. Mark says:

    Glad to know that there are other neurotic folks out there!

    Paper towel management is a key lifeskill – there is a very tight line between using enough paper to be a responsible toilet paper user and enough that it retains its structural integrity whilst wiping. You don’t want a finger breaking through that bad boy.

    Another thing did you know that most Americans tend to scrunch their toilet paper, whilst europeans tend to fold it over? Maybe that is an urban myth – but the Euros definitely fold!

  13. javajunkee says:

    ROFLMFAO….that’s funny. You know when this is even worse…is when you have to pee really bad say like in walmart. I’m talking…had 6 cups of coffee earlier…aint no way I can make it home have to pee and you are trying to layer the seat and this scenerio is playing out. I’m not even kidding! WTF? I’m thinking of having whatever department toilet paper is housed in paged and some better stuff brought to me and I’ll effin’ pay for it!

  14. SKL says:

    When I was in high school, they had these dispensers that said “onli-one” and that’s exactly what you got – only one. They weren’t on a roll, they were separate little squares of paper that had the approximate consistency of notebook paper. Ridiculous! Needless to say, everyone took numerous “onli-ones” at a time and clogged the toilets regularly. Mostly I avoided using those bathrooms at all.

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