A little humor

 

I have kleptomania;
when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
  
  
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you’re naked in church.
   
Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.
   
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
 
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
 
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. 
Also, my short-term memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
 
Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
 
In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.
 
A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory
 
  
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
 
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
 
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
 
KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
 
I’m not your type.
I’m not inflatable.
 
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
 
In Memoriam

 
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.    Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey“, died peacefully at age 93.   The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  They put his left leg in.  And then the trouble started.
 
 
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
 
Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)
  
When you work here,
you can name your own salary. 
I named mine, “Fred”.
 
money isn’t everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
 
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
 
 
I like cats too.
Let’s exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you 
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
 
Don’t sweat the petty things.
Don’t pet the sweaty things.
  
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
   
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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11 Responses to A little humor

  1. Sue says:

    That last one is priceless!

  2. Pomeroy! says:

    I agree… I love the last one…

  3. *Gasp* hahahaha *gasp-giggle-clutches-stomach* Those are SO funny, I’ve never seen any of these! I’m literally laughing like an idiot right now…

  4. JavaQueen says:

    and the winner is… {{drum roll}} “Don’t sweat the petty things. Don’t pet the sweaty things.”

    These are all very cool.

  5. pammy wammy says:

    Very funny.Made me laugh at 6:30am in the morning.And i dont usually laugh at this time.I should still be slleping.Those are good.I love all kinds of quotes and have never seen those.:)

  6. Very funny!!! Thank you!

  7. Joy says:

    My favorite is “I’m not your type, I’m not inflatable. LMAO!!!!!

  8. LVISS says:

    YOU HAVE SOME NICE ONES THERE
    I DIG THE TWIN SISTER JOKE.

  9. starlaschat says:

    Lots of really good ones still smiling Thanks for that Sue.

  10. nikki says:

    LOVE THEM!!!! The sweaty one is great! I just said that to myself! Thanks Sue!

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