Never too late

movingThis is a hard post for me to write but in the past it has helped me by writing. I always get great advice from our very loyal and kind friends. Please keep in mind while reading this, it’s not easy for me and I’m working everyday to get this right.

Growing up I never had the opportunity to have a real, in depth, close relationship with anyone. I didn’t trust many people and from around the age of 13 to 17 I moved around more times than I care to remember. For whatever reasons, they don’t matter. I was the “new kid” all the time and we all know how that feels. By the time I met friends, I was moving again. It got to the point where I’d stop trying to make friends. And when I did, it became very easy for me to walk away. I was used to it. If I did, I made sure I didn’t get attached, and most of the time I was causing trouble. Maybe that was my way of getting some attention.

As an adult now I still find myself having these problems. I make friends, great ones, and as soon as something goes wrong I run the other way or push them away. Somehow I have managed to create this delete button and have gotten great at using it. Instead of using maybe the “refresh” button and trying it again. A couple in particular, I’m trying to get back. Friends have came and gone. Some I speak to on occasion. None of which I speak to daily. Again, I’m working on this. On one hand I feel I have a huge heart and just want to be loved. But on the other hand, once things start to fall apart or get tough, I easily walk away, or shut them out. And it’s not just with friends. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Not only has it affected my friendships and other relationships but it’s affected my ability to remain “at home.” Let me explain a little better. We move, I make it a home, things are good, things start to go bad, I want to move. But that’s how it was growing up. Things got bad, had to move. That’s how it goes. As of right now Bailey only remembers moving twice. I need to stop feeling like I have to up and move when things start going bad. This I know whole heartedly. I do not want to move again. I do not want to run away from relationships I truly care about anymore. Bailey always has a “home” and we have never moved him out of his school. That is one thing I can say. I just don’t want to move houses anymore!!!

I was talking with an old friend the other week. We had similar upbringings. He said he had the same problem for many years. Always feeling the need to pack up and leave. He said once he acknowledged it, he made sure he kept where he was living “happy” and made sure once things were starting to go bad, he’d nip them in the bud.

Before this last time moving I never put too much thought into it. Jason brought it to my attention because someone very smart and who I know loves me brought it to his attention. I spent a lot of time thinking about it. I’m now working on this everyday to reestablish my friendships and my commitment to my home and family. I know I’m not the only one that had a, lets say unconventional upbringing. I know I’m not the only one that still struggles with it to this day. I say it to myself and I have heard others say, “don’t let your past dictate your future.” It’s about time I take my own advice! Words of wisdom would be awesome, maybe some suggestions to do in my daily life? I want to be rid of all my past demons as much as my family wants them gone, I am determined!! I will be 30 next year, not cool, and I want to look back at my life and be able to say….”

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28 Responses to Never too late

  1. Joy says:

    This is the best post you’ve ever written. *applause* I will be back. I have things to say but need to think about wording first. Way to go Nikki.

    • nikki says:

      Thank you, brought a tear to my eye rereading it. I know this is all stuff I have to change. It sucks when you have to face things head on, but I know I will have help with this. I love you.

  2. SKL says:

    I don’t have any great advice on this for two reasons. One, I am at the opposite extreme – it’s very hard to get me to budge from wherever I am. Two, I don’t have the most enviable relationships. But, I think you are on the right track, working on identifying the problem and its source. And being willing to become a little vulnerable in order to get to the bottom of things.

    It sounds like you have doors within that you are a bit afraid to open. Your experiences may have closed those doors – but remember: you survived those experiences. There are very few things in life that are as bad as we fear they will be.

    When I had really tough times in my career, I finally told myself that darnit, I may not be perfect, but I’m doing my best and that is better than most people do! And it’s gonna be good enough, because that’s all I have. So I took things a day at a time and just did my best from moment to moment. This helped every aspect of my life.

    So try not to worry about the past or the future, because there’s not much you can do about either of those. Just focus on being your best in the moment, and you’ll be creating both a past and a future that you can be proud of.

  3. pammy wammy says:

    You can do it. You are the only one who can. YOU have to feel settled. Settled in your own heart and soul. Those closest to you and love you to pieces,hang on to them. They will always be there for you.:) I will be 50 next year and I don’t like moving anymore. I have moved a lot too!! But where ever I was,I made it a home. My children helped me to feel settled more. I use to run and run and run from my problems. But guess what, no matter where you move, they come with you. Your past will be with you in memories. But you can shelf it away and learn and grow from it. Friends will come and go too. True friends are rare. But when you find them, hang on to them. Sometimes life sucks. People disappoint you. You hurt of course, you feel the anger, you grieve the pain and then you pick yourself up and move forward. I BELIEVE in you. I know YOU can do it. Don’t ever give up. You are a SURVIVOR. I have never met you but I feel like I know pieces of you from your posts. You are an AWESOME lady, mom and wife. Be you. Be happy. Life is short. Love who you are becoming. Cause there’s only one of you and you brighten up my side of the world. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Good luck Nikki! I’m sure you have lots of wonderful people around you. They are all your friends. You should not close your heart any longer. Open up! I’m sure you can do it. Don’t ever give up. You can make a mistake or two sometimes but don’t ever run away from them — or ‘refresh’ as you call it.

  5. birdpress says:

    I know this isn’t quite the same, but it kind of is… In AA they call that looking for a “geographical cure” to your problems. The thing is that your problems will follow you, because really, wherever you go, there you are. Sorry to sound so cliche, but it’s true, right? I think it is fine to move if you want a change. Change can be fun and exciting. Just as long as you are heading toward something instead of away from something.

  6. trishatruly says:

    *clapping hands* BRAVO! Nikki, that was a real, well written, and honest post and I salute you.

    It is so hard confronting the things in ourselves we see as faults and then actually doing something about them. It sounds like you are doing just that.

    It’s the trip, not the destination. Working to make ourselves evolve emotionally and spiritually is a grand and wonderful thing. You’ll get there if you want to.

    I believe in you.

    And you always have a place here as my friend.

    • nikki says:

      Trisha, how is it that I feel so close to someone I haven’t even met?? I know I always have a place with you as your friend, truly! And the same goes for you!!
      I know the things i have to stop and the things I have to start doing. It’s a good things the friends I do have, have told me time and time again that no matter what, they’ll always be there for me. My family, Joy, Paul, Toby, Sue…my FAMILY, I know love me and they are there for me too! That alone is a foreign feeling that after 11 years I’m still trying to accept. They aren’t leaving me.

  7. Just a Mom says:

    Great post! Very well written.
    I have to admit that I am alot like you. If it seems to start to get rough I want to run away. Since I now have 2 kids I can’t do that anymore. I must keep my feet firmly planted and tackle the problem head on for them.
    Good luck on your journey!

  8. starlaschat says:

    I agree with everyone great post Nikki. I think standing back and honestly looking at things is a huge step. Making choices that you would like to live another way or to nip things in the bud. Small steps. I think our past can greatly effect us and it’s hard when a pattern is firmly engraved. Being aware of our tendency’s and why I think are important. But being gentle with yourself and also being grateful for how far you have come in so many ways. Little by little I think you can create the life you have envisioned for yourself. Little steps that you are comfortable with. I think seeing it is huge.

    • nikki says:

      I like little steps, they seem to be working for me. Thanks Starla!!! I look back at my past and seriously wonder how I made it. I want to be able to look back in 40 years and say….I LOVED me life, I have the same friends, same HOME! Jason talks about his past, having the same friends all through school, same house for 20 years! I can’t even begin to know how that feels, but I want to try to give that to our son.

  9. Joy says:

    I have to agree with SKL on this. I just really can’t relate to this because as you know, my family home was just sold a few years ago. I grew up in the same house and raised Jason and Toby, for the most part, in the same house. I would just hate to move. The move from Tonkawood was so hard. When I pulled out of that driveway for the last time, it was emotionally heartbreaking for me.

    I also agree with what birdpress said. It’s not what you’re running from but what you’re running towards.

    I just feel it would be better for all of you if you put down some roots. Lived in the same place. I can’t explain why but I just feel, like you said, Jason had the same friends and the same house, same church, same ball fields and I’ll bet it’s comforting to him. I know both he and Toby drive by Tonkawood Road anytime they are anywhere close and they tell their kids, “I grew up there, see that window, that was my room.” Don’t you think that would be nice for Bailey? That’s just my opinion and that doesn’t make it right.

    I think this post is so great. You did a great job on it and it really made me think about it. I hate change though. I didn’t have it much in my life and I never really learned to deal with it. As much as you “used” to like to run, I hate it. So maybe that’s a problem for me.

    We will always be here for you so you better get used to it.

  10. Sue says:

    Bahahahah!!!! Wiping the tears from my eyes to try and write a response that is readable! I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to write that, let alone share it with us. Admitting our faults is one of the hardest things to do I think. I’m guessing you’ve known for a long time why you “run”, but to actually say it out loud and confront it (rather than run for that too) makes it real and something you have to deal with. Bravo! Bravo for making the decision to change, to break the cycle and go against everything you know. You will do it. You will be able to give Bailey the memories Jason has because you WANT to make it happen. Problems don’t go away until you deal with them and decide that YOU ARE WORTH IT! Your family is worth it.

    Unfortunately, I can’t relate to you either on your childhood because I never moved. Well, except when I moved out to go to college and that was hard! ”

    “I will be 30 next year, not cool, and I want to look back at my life and be able to sayโ€ฆ.โ€ No, no. Not BE ABLE, you WILL say that you changed and finally got out of life what you knew you deserved. Your family loves you. You’ve come to learn who your true friends are and they love you. You can do this because you WANT to do this for yourself, your son, your husband. You are not alone and never will be alone. Like Joy said, you can’t get rid of us that easily!

  11. Sue says:

    Oh, I forgot to say, I love you ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. Karen Joy says:

    Great post Nikki!I can relate to the moving to much.I was in the same town/house till I was 12 then we moved.And I seemed to move alot once on my own(not that i was running from something,so I realize its not quit the same).Years ago I stopped counting places Ive lived when it got to be over a dozen!So I look at my childhood home fondly and remember how very hard it was to move from there….thought I would die(but ya all know I didnt)After that move i never really held onto friends either.Thats were my family comes in,I have some of my best friends in my siblings and I cant get rid of them either.LOL!I dont have kids but I would be just like you and want what you want for Bailey(and for yourself)I want to be “rooted” somewhere too,I think it brings us comfort and gives us and especially the kids stability.You will and can do it!!You have a mothers heart so we know you WILL make it happen!Good for you for recognizing and dealing with this issue…all the best to ya!

  13. rschmidty79 says:

    Nikki,

    I thought your post was very emotional. I moved probably the same amount of times you did, but I always found a way back to my school with my own friends. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to have had to deal with that all of your childhood. I would just like to say that although any relationship is difficult at times, it can be tough to decide which ones are worth working on and which should just be tossed away. I’m only speaking of friends here because I don’t meddle in family affairs. A true friend is someone who will always be there for you unconditionally when you need them there, no matter what the situation is. These are people that will help you out financially when you are down and out, give you a place to stay if you have a fight, and give you the shirt off their back when you are cold. These are the relationships that are worth saving by any means. These are your true friends. Then there are the friendships that really aren’t worth saving when things go sour. I have had alot of these since I have had my children. I try to measure these friendships by first and foremost, if they are still involved in my life since I had children. I also try to look at where they are at in life or where they are going. It’s important to surround yourself with people that have the same types of goals in mind as you. This doesn’t need to be career wise, but more like, family and relationships. For instance, I can only hang out with other people that are all about their families and children and close friends. I can’t hang out with people that just want to work for a paycheck so they can party all weekend, or don’t enjoy spending time with their families.

    I am sorry if I rambled a little bit, but I feel where you are coming from. I am trying to change alot about my interactions with family and friends as well. Just remember, even though I may have been out of my mind on Saturday, I meant every word I said to your husband about you two! I love you guys more than you could ever know. You are a couple of the best friends Kristin and I have ever had and I am so happy we are starting to talk more again. I really missed you and missed your warmth. I am always here if you want to talk more..(unless I already said everything in this novel I wrote)..We will always be there for you and I hope our relationship is one that WE can work on…I love you!!!

    • Joy says:

      Welcome Ryan and very well said. Things do change when you have children and then you have to decide which road to take and it looks like you and Kristin took the right one. I am also very glad you and J/N are doing more together again. You are very good friends to them. I don’t really remember when you weren’t friends so it’s been a long time.

      You were adorable on Saturday night and we enjoyed you.

      PS…I don’t think you need any grammar or spelling lessons ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • nikki says:

      Oh Ryan! You have me in tears here! Sometimes you have to be hit up side the head a time or two to see who your real friends are. You and Kristin have been constant in our lives for a long time. Even if not physically constant, you’re always there! I truly know that in my heart. I love you, Kristin and the boys so much! You are truly one of a kind Ryan, and I am more than proud and honored to call you and Kristin 2 of my best friends. I know in 40 years you two will still be right there, no doubt in my mind about that! I wonder how many kids you’ll have by then!!?? LOL…you are one of my favorite people Ryan, always have been, always will be. Thank you for your unconditional love and your friendship.

    • nikki says:

      Oh Ryan,if I didn’t hate you so much that might of had me tear up.

      All joking aside I remember the first day I met you what..8-10 years ago (Worst day of my life)…j/k…You were a young single boy. I say boy because you were until you had those two boy’s of your own. MR. paycheck to paycheck, so easy to quit a shitty job. Things are different now huh. Nicole and I had bailey way before our friends had kids so were ahead of you on friends not understanding. It’s tough, people just don’t understand what kids do to a person. Good friends are hard to find, great friends are hard to get rid of.
      Yes we move around. Every move has been a step up in one way or another. Money reasons for the last two. Remember we rented that room up stairs in annandale.
      Neither one of us will live in an apartment so that leaves houses. Being a renter, as I’m sure some of you are also, landlords don’t like spending money or their time to fix things. The last house was just falling apart.
      Good thing is we won’t leave this stupid little town. Bailey will not lose any of his friends (knocking on wood). Longer story cut short, friends and family can be glue. I don’t care where we live. As long as I’m at least 5 minutes from Wallmart. Oh and with bailey and nicole

  14. Laura (LS) says:

    Hey, Nikki…. growing pains… they’re no fun. I’ve had them, too. Unlike you, I had a stable, “leave it to beaver” kinda childhood. But since getting married (dear god, 16 YEARS AGO!!), we’ve moved multiple times, and I’ve noticed some of the same things within me. I make friends, but I don’t let them get too close. I have trouble trusting, because of some things that have happened in those 16 years. I can make acquaintances easily, but close friends, well, I have two that have been with me since school days (one, from fifth grade, and the other, from our first year in high school). Other friends, like you and Joy are new, and I’m just starting to learn how to “do” the friendship thing, again. And really, for the first time as an adult. It’s a weird and scary thing.

    And now, I’m at another crossroads. Stick or go? Nothing is ever easy, is it?

    But is those hard times that strengthen us and make us who we are… peel back the layers, if you will, of that person we made ourselves into, out of self-defense.

    Now that you’re in a secure place, with Jason, and Bailey, and the whole family, you can start peeling back those layers and peeking underneath. I bet you like who you find.

  15. LVISS says:

    WHY NOT TRY CLEAN UP AND DEFRAGMENT WHEN YOU COULD REFRESH
    ON A SERIOUS NOTE I THINK IT HAPPENS TO SOME THAT THEY ALWAYS ARE FORCED TO TRAVEL VERY OFTEN.. ARE U A CANCERIAN OR AQUARIAN BY BIRTH– THESE PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO DO LOT OF TRAVELLING.
    AS FOR FRIENDSHIP THIS CAN BE SORTED OUT IF YOU STOP THINKING THAT YOU ARE THE CAUSE FOR IT. IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE OR BREAK A FRIENDSHIP, U MAY NOT BE AT FAULT AFTER ALL.
    GENERALLY WOMEN LOOK AT PROBLEMS FROM EMOTIONAL ANGLE . IF U CAN THINK IN A PRACTICAL WAY IT MIGHT HELP.
    ALL THE BEST. .

  16. Paula says:

    Nikki I don’t know you guys very well but I have grown very fond of my husband’s blog buddies. I can’t imagine any of you not being a true friend forever.

    You are probably stronger because you can adjust to new settings and situations. I did not move around and I got very comfortable and had a hard time when I had to start a new job or any new situation. I was even uncomfortable going to a new store. I had a lot of friends over the years but I have let that slip too. That is one of the reasons I have joined facebook. I have reconnected with so many people of have talked to in years. I have so many more to find and I have made some great new friends.

  17. kweenmama says:

    So many have already said what I would have said. Some of the advice…take it one day at a time, be gentle with yourself, focus on the present and future, will be what will help you. I never moved as a kid, but I always wondered what it would be like to be the “new” kid. My kids have had to experience that, and I’ve always told them that I admire them for dealing with something I never had to in such a positive way. Hang in there, it sounds like you have a great support system!

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