This is a hard post for me to write but in the past it has helped me by writing. I always get great advice from our very loyal and kind friends. Please keep in mind while reading this, it’s not easy for me and I’m working everyday to get this right.
Growing up I never had the opportunity to have a real, in depth, close relationship with anyone. I didn’t trust many people and from around the age of 13 to 17 I moved around more times than I care to remember. For whatever reasons, they don’t matter. I was the “new kid” all the time and we all know how that feels. By the time I met friends, I was moving again. It got to the point where I’d stop trying to make friends. And when I did, it became very easy for me to walk away. I was used to it. If I did, I made sure I didn’t get attached, and most of the time I was causing trouble. Maybe that was my way of getting some attention.
As an adult now I still find myself having these problems. I make friends, great ones, and as soon as something goes wrong I run the other way or push them away. Somehow I have managed to create this delete button and have gotten great at using it. Instead of using maybe the “refresh” button and trying it again. A couple in particular, I’m trying to get back. Friends have came and gone. Some I speak to on occasion. None of which I speak to daily. Again, I’m working on this. On one hand I feel I have a huge heart and just want to be loved. But on the other hand, once things start to fall apart or get tough, I easily walk away, or shut them out. And it’s not just with friends. 😦
Not only has it affected my friendships and other relationships but it’s affected my ability to remain “at home.” Let me explain a little better. We move, I make it a home, things are good, things start to go bad, I want to move. But that’s how it was growing up. Things got bad, had to move. That’s how it goes. As of right now Bailey only remembers moving twice. I need to stop feeling like I have to up and move when things start going bad. This I know whole heartedly. I do not want to move again. I do not want to run away from relationships I truly care about anymore. Bailey always has a “home” and we have never moved him out of his school. That is one thing I can say. I just don’t want to move houses anymore!!!
I was talking with an old friend the other week. We had similar upbringings. He said he had the same problem for many years. Always feeling the need to pack up and leave. He said once he acknowledged it, he made sure he kept where he was living “happy” and made sure once things were starting to go bad, he’d nip them in the bud.
Before this last time moving I never put too much thought into it. Jason brought it to my attention because someone very smart and who I know loves me brought it to his attention. I spent a lot of time thinking about it. I’m now working on this everyday to reestablish my friendships and my commitment to my home and family. I know I’m not the only one that had a, lets say unconventional upbringing. I know I’m not the only one that still struggles with it to this day. I say it to myself and I have heard others say, “don’t let your past dictate your future.” It’s about time I take my own advice! Words of wisdom would be awesome, maybe some suggestions to do in my daily life? I want to be rid of all my past demons as much as my family wants them gone, I am determined!! I will be 30 next year, not cool, and I want to look back at my life and be able to say….”