I’ve kind of talked about this before but not as a whole post so I’m going to elaborate more on it. I’m wondering if it happens to other people as much as it’s happened to me in my life.
Talking people into things. Does this happen to you? Or are you one of those people that are always trying to talk other people into doing what you want them to do?
This has happened to me my whole life. When the boys were in school, I was a walking “ask Joy, she’ll do it” type person. I remember the year I was the volunteer coordinator for the PTA and it was the last year I had a major title. I was always involved but not in that capacity. Why you ask? I was always the one putting every school function together and didn’t get to enjoy anything with my own two boys. I had to be at the school the first day to greet the Kindergartners and my own son Toby missed the bus and was late for school and I was out greeting other kids. Talk about feeling guilty. Every “Pastries for Parents” to the book fairs to the carnivals, I never got to do it with my own kids.
As I grew up I seemed to be a magnet for people always trying to talk me into doing things I didn’t want to do. There is one lady from bowling who never failed to try and talk me into going to the bar after bowling even though I told her I won’t drink and drive and I want to get home to play darts with my husband. She looked at me like I was nuts. But sure enough, week after week it was always the same. Every week my answer was the same. My mom is always trying to tell me I should love golf. I don’t love golf. I’m 51 years old and I think by now I’d know if I loved something. I like driving the golf cart and being outside but the golf itself, I am not fond of it. Nor am I going to force myself to do it for someone else.
So I wonder why people do this. Do you know people like this? Or are you the the kind of person who thinks you can change someones mind?
I sometimes feel it’s a tug of war with certain people.
I am usually the kind of person who talks others into doing something. I make them compromise and sometimes even give them a friendly threat. Haha 😀
I don’t think I’m the kind of person who is easily talked into. I like to stay firm and I don’t let my decisions waver that easily. They call me stubborn but whatever.
I think you should be more firm with those people. Let them know you’re serious and you don’t want to hear another word of their persuasions.
I’m the one everybody asks to do something b/c i’m a stay at home mom. They assume b/c i dont work that I have nothing else to do. What they don’t assume is that I rarely say yes to anything.
I’m not easily talked into anything. I could however convince the pope to enjoy a bottle of vodka if need be (joke among my friends)
The only time I find myself saying yes when I want desperately to say no is with girl scouts. I feel a huge commitment to them and have rarely turned them down. I think b/c its the one thing I share with my girls and i’ve made some friends through it.
I think you may be talking about two different things Joy.
With regards to the school functions. That’s an easy one. People who “do” are always asked to “do” becauese they have a record of accomplishing things. It makes better sense to ride a horse who has a proven record than to break in a new horse.
As for the other; I think we all are talked into things and talk people into things more than we recognise.
“What’s for dinner?” “What do you want to do this weekend?” are just two rather minor examples.
I think the real question you are asking is, “Can you be talked out of sticking to your morals?”
That’s a big fat no!
I can’t be talked out of anything “morally.” I stick to my guns with stuff like that but sometimes it’s just everyday things. “Do you want to go blah, blah, blah?” “No, not really, thanks anyway.” “Why not, it’d be fun?” “No, I really don’t care to.” “Oh come on, we’ll have a good time.” “No, it’s okay, thanks anyway.” “Oh why not?”
LEAVE ME THE HECK ALONE WHEN I SAY NO THE FIRST TIME. It’s more the little everyday things that really annoy me. If I wanted to go I’d say yes the first time and I don’t need anyone else to tell me how much fun it will be. It’s obviously something I don’t care to do. I can’t stand it when people tell me how much fun something will be if I don’t want to do it. It’s nothing personal but what’s fun to me may not be fun to them and I don’t try to change anyone else’s mind so why do they continually try and do it to me?
I know exactly how you feel! I am married to a person that has talked me into things for the past 8 years. You start to feel like a puppet after awhile! My problem now is I have stopped being a puppet the last 2 years and now all of a sudden I am opinionated!
That’s funny with the golf thing, my husband and his entire family golf and I can’t stand it but I love to go out and ride along on the course and I love watching the pros!
“Opinionated!!” LMAO!!!! I also love watching golf. I like it as a sport and it’s healthy and good but I just don’t like to play. I think by now I’d know.
I use to be like a puppet too.I could never say “NO”.Others quickly figure that out.But as the years go by,I got out of it.Now if it suits me I will say “YES”.But if it doesnt suit me,I say “NO”.
Years ago when I finally started to say “NO”,they looked at me strange and thought I was being rude.Go figure!
I know just what you mean about starting to say no and people think you’re being rude. I get that all the time now for doing the things I choose to. My mom told me not very long ago that “I used to be nice.” Nice thing to say!!!
I’m highly medicated with cold medicine and antibiotics right now so if this doesn’t make sense I apologize.
I am a lot like you and am a people pleaser. Some say that can be a bad thing, I say we just have great hearts. Bailey is like that too. Now there does come a point where it can turn into us being walking mats for people. This isn’t our fault, it’s their, they take advantage of great hearts. More people should be like us, BUT more people should appreciate it.
The women at bowling most likely isn’t married or isn’t in a good marriage, that’s why she looks at you like you are crazy when you say you what to go spend time with your husband. I have or HAD people like that in my life. I am getting to the point where I do say no, but i still feel guilty. I am trying very hard right now to scale back to days I have daycare because I want to volunteer in Baileys school. I’m having hard time with it. I find myself saying, well ok maybe one more day. Once school begins I will stick to guns because this is really something I want to do as a career. It takes me awhile to commit to something and I have to this and I won’t back down.
Also some people think their way is the only way and if you don’t like what they like or do what they do…then that means something is wrong with you. We are all our own person and even at 29 this is something I am still learning…who am I? I’m me, not you or what you do. And that’s okay. 🙂 Make sense? I hope so!
Learning how to say “no” is probably one of life’s biggest accomplishments. I wish I knew how best to teach my kids that.
I have always found it hard to say “no,” though I am getting better at it in my old age. When I was young, being an extreme introvert, I would just avoid most social activities, but I was always very busy at home, doing most of the housework and taking care of the kids. Even though I felt I was assigned an unfair proportion of the work, I still felt guilty if I didn’t keep up with it. As a teen / young adult I did a lot of volunteer and paid work with kids, but I enjoyed that so much that I never felt put upon.
As an adult, my best friend of 20 years (and business partner) is an acknowledged “pushy person.” I used to invite her to do stuff with me sometimes, but usually she wasn’t interested, and finally she scolded me for asking her, because it “made her feel bad to say no.” Whatever. Since then, I only ask if it’s something she has previously told me she’s interested in. So needless to say, most of the things we do together are things “she” wants to do. Outings with “her” family and friends, concerts featuring “her” favorite music, dinner at “her” favorite restaurants, even professional and political gatherings with “her” like-minded crowd. I don’t really mind it much, except when I get grief for taking additional time to pursue my own interests. Like that stupid liberal political event that I attended for her was supposed to count against my personal time with my kids.
I also find it hard to say “no” to friends whom I see less often. And fellow members of the nonprofits that I serve. It does get to the point where I am overcommitted and end up doing a half-assed job, which I hate. Lately I am getting better at either saying “no” or coming up with a more workable suggestion. But I have lots of room for improvement in that department.
My sister is that kind of person. I think maybe my dad is too. I thought it was a “youngest child syndrome” kind of thing, growing up. I was always told what I liked and what I didn’t. I think it confused me sometimes and when people asked me if I liked something I’d have to ask my sister.
Here’s a kind of funny example… At my bridal shower, my sister wrote out these questions about me for people to answer, and I had to fill them out first. Well, one was “what is Laura’s favorite dessert?” and I didn’t really have an answer. When I said I wasn’t sure, my sister was like, “What?!” and then came over and whispered in my ear what my favorite dessert was! LOL.
Not really the same thing, but along the same line of thinking. I think growing up with my very dominant older sister affected my personality a lot. Of course, I eventually rebelled against her too, as I got older.
My husband now likes to talk me into things. It can get really annoying, just like you were saying, Joy, in your response to mssc54. When other people ask me to do things, I often make excuses, but that is more because I am shy and socially phobic, so probably not the healthiest reason to turn down invitations.
For quite some time I was able to use the classic “You know, I think I’d really enjoy that, but I really gotta go take a dump.”
Nobody, I mean nobody ever stuck around to badger me. Then maturity set in, and I had to become more creative with my reasonings.
As I get older I find that “Do I really have a choice?” is a real mood killer, so I’m sticking with that for the time being ;^)
Just a little friendly advice from your ever-loyal curmudgeon.
ON THE POSITIVE SIDE THEY SEE YOU AS A PERSON WILLING TO HELP OTHERS. ON THE NEGATIVE SIDE PEOPLE WILL TRY TO MAKE YOU DO THINGS FOR THEM . I ALSO GET INTO THIS ORGANISING THINGS INVOLUNTARILY, THEY SEE ME AS ONE WHO DOES THINGS METHODICALLY. FORTUNATELY I AM NOT DRIVEN TO DO OTHER THINGS I DONT LIKE. I SIMPLY SMILE THEM OFF .
ONE THING YOU CAN DO IS TO SHOW AN ANGRY FACE AND KNIT YOUR EYEBROWS WHEN ASKED TO DO SOMETHING YOU DONT LIKE.
LOL LVISS. Good advice. I’ll have to practice!!!