Bad day at Hallmark

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My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire…

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

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Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don’t fret about it…

She moved in with me.

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L ooking back over the years

that we’ve been together,

I can’t help but wonder…

‘What was I thinking?’

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Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

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How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

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I‘ve always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I’ve changed my mind.

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I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

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As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am..

That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

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Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go…

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You’ll probably need it again.

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Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in West Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, Georgia,  Alabama, & Pennsylvania.)

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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

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When we were together,
you always said you’d die for me.

Now that we’ve broken up,

I think it’s time you kept your promise.

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We have been friends for a very long time .

let’s say we stop?

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I‘m so miserable without you

it’s almost like you’re here.

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Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

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Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we’re having you put to sleep.

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