Reason for falling out of love

breaking-upI’ve been in recent contact with an old friend. I have to admit that I haven’t talked to her in about 6 years and in that time both our lives have really changed. We got reconnected quite by accident. Someone who knows us both, sent a joke so I dropped her an email since I didn’t know her address till I got that joke.

She’s been in a rocky relationship for years with the same guy. They are not married but have been together for the last 10 years or so. As she was describing to me why things weren’t going so hot, it came to me that the reason she’s falling out of love with him is the same reason she fell in love with him. He doesn’t come home when he says he will and when he does show up, he’s usually pretty drunk or he’s so late that they just end up fighting so it’s a vicious circle. He’ll know he’s going to be late, he knows there will be a fight so he just stays away. He’s the “life of the party” and I remember her telling me that’s what she loved about him. He was always up for anything. Well, now I guess when she’s sitting at home and he’s the “life of the party” somewhere else, it’s not so much “fun” anymore. It’s also called not growing up which he probably never will do but she has and their life responsibilities have changed.

Then it occurred to me how often that happened. I know someone else who thinks her husband is a total bore. He never wanted to go anywhere. He just likes being at home. She used to think it was great that he liked being at home with her and be content to watch a movie and have popcorn. He wasn’t into the bar scene or party scene at all and she loved that. When she married him and he never wanted to go anywhere, she didn’t like it.

Now with both of these men, neither of them pretended anything different. They were who they were.

Do you think people don’t realize this at the time or do you think people think they can “change” people? I feel really sorry for my friend because she’s really going through a lot but I don’t know what to say to her. I haven’t talked to her in so long that I hate to say that “you loved that about him before.” It was a big attraction for her and she loved it about him. I’m wondering if I should just keep my mouth shut.

What do you think? Do you think most people fall out of love for the same reason they fell in love in the first place or are these two couples just a coincidence?

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12 Responses to Reason for falling out of love

  1. pammy wammy says:

    I think sometimes that we fall in love for all the right reasons.But then when you begin your life together as a couple,you do try to change them to how you would like them to be.Ithink I will look very closely next time,if i ever decide to get involved again.Which at this moment and time is NEVER!!,You cant change a person.I dont want to change for anyone.I have had guys try to change who I was.I would try,but I was not truly happy.Cause I was not being the real me.Life is short,I wanna be happy.I believe you can comprimise and work things out.But in the whole picture of things you need to be with someone who loves you for who you are.And you need to love someone for who they are.Faults and all if you truly love them.
    I also believe that some people get stuck and never grow out of habits.That at one time you loved about them,now just annoys you.You both have to be willing to work together too be a awesome duo.Its hard.But I know some couples who in all their faults(And we all have faults.No one is perfect)have unique and wonderful relationships.I look at them and it gives me a glimmer of hope,that it can happen.
    As for your friend,I dont know what to say.With my friends,I have learnt to just listen and only give my opinion when asked.And even then,I am careful of what I say.

  2. DM says:

    compatibility is a huge issue… didn’t realize it when I was younger.. opposites do attract- and to a point that’s a good thing…I need someone like my wife who is not as impulsive as I- she balances me out. on the other hand, we both love to spend a quiet evening @ home over running around all the time.

    Pammy Wammy is right on:
    “But in the whole picture of things you need to be with someone who loves you for who you are.And you need to love someone for who they are.

    She hit the nail on the head she’s talking about unconditional love and respect…there’s a book and a marriage workshop by that title I would recommend to anyone..it changed our marriage- and we already had a pretty good one. http://www.loveandrespect.com/
    time for coffee 🙂

  3. Tasneem R says:

    Well I don’t know the exact answer but I’ll tell you that its always with girls…what i mean is…its always we girls who are never satisfied with what we have hence we end up grudging and getting upset…I’ll be honest with you…as far as I’m concerned I’ll tell you that I’m very indecisive..I cannot make any firm decision ..specially which concerns life ..
    Alright the best way to end d break up is to realize what was ‘that’ thing which tingled them and brought them together? What was that they liked or loved about each other which ultimately fall in love with each other..? If this works fien if not then it;s time to think again,and in ur frnd’s case I feel that the guy should give decent amount of time to your friend…if he’s not giving her and is not letting the relationship grow then she can call off the relationship…

    Check out the love compatibility test and other relationship based tests/quizzes here –
    http://www.3smartcubes.com/pages/relationship.asp

  4. Laura says:

    Wow, this hits so close to home, it’s not even funny, and I can’t even get my thoughts to settle down enough to make a coherent statement. There are so many things I want to say, but they just don’t come out right. I’ll keep working on it. Maybe I’ll have something logical to say later today.

  5. nikki says:

    I have a friend going through a divorce right now. The male being my friend. His soon to be ex wife had such a hard crush on him in high school and this guy has always been the life of the party. Everyone knows this. Everyone knows too that this guy for the most part will never change. Does he need to grow up a bit…yea…but it is his personality that is just outgoing. Has to stop and talk to everyone and he knows everyone. All these things….she loved about him. I think in a way it brought her out and made her more popular. Then a year into the marriage she wanted to slow down and control his every action. He’s not one to be controlled…obviously it didn’t work. For the reasons she married him..she is now divorcing him. He’s 33 and has to start all over. We all knew it was a bad match in the beginning….and now we all feel bad! He’s such a great person.
    I think especially when you are young and you do want to go out and be the life of the party so that’s what you are attracted to. Then you realize that never gets you far in life and then it’s time to grow up. I don’t think it’s fair to say..well that’s how he was when you met him. People need to grow and mature and when you are truly happy…you do that together. In some cases it doesn’t work that way. Obviously when you know you are going to be together or want to be with this person for life these things should be discussed before hand. I always knew Jason would be a great family man and he wouldn’t spend his days and nights in the bar. It’s just not him.
    I don’t necessarily think you should try to CHANGE people but at least have a clear idea of what they want out of life and if they have plans to give a certain life style up when it’s appropriate to do so.

  6. SKL says:

    I agree with what others have said. I could have written Pammy’s post. But I also think that there’s a difference between “changing people” and expecting them to grow up. I think it’s fair to expect, for example, if you’re over 30 and about to become a father, you should know it’s time to drink less, not more. (Someone near & dear to me is going through this.)

    There are tough times and stresses, which can bring out the worst in all of us. I understand that. But adults have to have a basic sense that they need to provide what their family needs. As long as they are trying and moving in the right direction, I could live with that.

    But, one of my favorite songs is “fast car” for a reason.

  7. javajunkee says:

    ouch!!!!!! heavy drinking played a big part in my falling in love.
    difference in ages and life has made me fall out of love. I still “love’ him ..like he’s my husband but I’m not “in” love.
    He got old before me and I don’t know how to handle it. Yeah I’m a cold heart bitch…we all know it. I am my mom and he is his dad and that right there is a train wreck waiting to happen.

    makes me sad but it is what it is!

  8. Gary says:

    I think that opposites DO attract but it seems to work out better when you have more things in common than opposites. It’s nice when there is a nice balance between commons and opposites.

    I personally think it’s OK to change a little for the person that you love and love’s you. Not you whole personality or anything like that, but just small little things that may not be a big deal to you but it is to the person you love.

  9. kweenmama says:

    I think most people expect to “grow up” together when they get married as well as “grow old” together. When one of the partners doesn’t grow up, it can cause problems. If both people are committed to the relationship the problems can be overcome.

  10. During its onset, as well as its not-so-subtle fade, love has a way of making our hearts beat in our mouth. In both instances we could bind ourselves to their knees in either adulation or pleading. In both cases, we do neither ourselves nor the other person any favors.

    Love is a resurrectionist, an amazingly constant casualty of its own creation . . . and yet it finds some latent way of warming even the coolest of hearts.

    No, I am not in love. I have no confidant, no girlfriend, no significant other in whom to place such beguilings . . .

    But I remember what love can be.

  11. javajunkee says:

    I agree with kweenmama…and like in our case my husband grew old before I grew up and now we have a huge major train wreck on our hands.

    I can’t handle his “oldness” and that only makes me be even more immature because I don’t want to be old like him.

  12. Tosha says:

    I think.. its pretty simple really.. People change. It’s not always a bad thing. Change happens. Some of us grow up while others do not. Some of us just change how we view things over time and how we feel.

    In my case.. I’m no where near the same person at 29 that I was at 17. I’ve grown up alot, having kids changed me and my views on lots of things. Not to mention just LIVING changed me. I’m not the same person who 1. fell in love w/ hubs back then.. and 2. i’m not the same person he fell in love with. He however is the very same person he was back then.. My changing is not his fault but… I don’t feel its anything that requires a fault to be had.. I’m better for it. I don’t want to be the same person I was at 17. Imagine the shit i’d be doing now if I was..

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