The Obama administration today released details of a sweeping plan to address the shorts coming in security as a result of this weekend’s attempt by a Nigerian man to drop a load by exploding his underwear.
Administration officials indicated they would establish an Underwear Czar position in the Cabinet to focus attention on the new threat. Unofficial sources have indicated that the President will tap Sen. Barbara Boxer as the new Shorts Czar.
Among the new procedures to be implemented will be a ban on all undergarments. Passengers will be required to fly without underwear on International flights originating overseas. Domestic passengers may travel in underwear, however they will be required to remove their underwear along with their shoes at the security screening stations prior to entering the security area.
TSA will supplement their inspectors with a newly formed unit, USA (Underwear Security Agency), whose purpose will be to sniff all underwear for explosives and/or explosive residue. Republican Congressional members have questioned the Administration about the increase in manpower citing studies that show security dogs would be cheaper and more effective. The Administration has countered that dogs would not replace human sniffers because the USA sniffers are unionized, and because the Administration is more concerned about job creation during this time of economic uncertainty.
A spokesperson for the USA stated they would take not shorts cut in the performance of their duties.
They have a established a zero tolerance policy and will take seriously any joking from passengers who are having their shorts inspected. Passengers are requested to make no jokes about “”package”, “skidmarks”, “take it in the shorts”, “going commando”, etc. All such comments will be taken seriously and passengers may be detained for inappropriate comments.
Effective 1 January, additional restrictions will be implemented. Because of the potential terrorist threat of using silicone enhanced females to carry explosives hidden in the implants, women will be required to travel with their breasts exposed at all times. Women with implants will be entered into a passenger database and will be identified for additional screening.
Some women, such as Pamela Anderson and Dolly Parton, will be banned outright from flying because of their high capacity implants. Experts have determined such implants could easily bring down a large jet if detonated.
TSA/USA has announced that members of the Obama Administration and Congress will be exempt from the underwear restrictions. Officials have indicated there is no sign that these passengers have anything in their shorts.
Flight crews are also affected. Airlines have instituted the Two Person Rule for flight crews who use the lavatory. During the last hour of flight, crewmembers are prohibited from using their own hands in the vicinity of their genitals and must be accompanied by a second crewmember who will assist as appropriate. Details are still emerging on how this will be implemented.
Regular passengers will place their hands, fingers intertwined, atop their heads during the last hour of flight.
In related news, Congressional Democrats have submitted a tax bill aimed at underwear manufacturers.
“We’ve got to nip this problem in the butt”, said Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee, “and the best way to discourage this kind of problem is to place a high tax on underwear. Proceeds will be used to fund public service announcements and rehab training for those people who just can’t give up their underwear.”
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) called for underwear registration and a limit on the number of shorts a person can own.
“There is just no reason for a person to own more than one pair of shorts”, said Schumer.
In a rare break with the Democratic agenda, AARP teamed with Depends in an effort to secure special rules for retirees.
Oh, how I wish I had written this. But alas, I cannot take credit. The credit goes to a member of the AOPA Forums, who posts under the username of “Rush”. It was sent to me by my biggest brother, Mike.