shhhh…… don’t tell anyone that I told you!!
This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about rituals and code words, the better off they are.
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JONAH: The original ‘Jaws’ story.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. (The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
MAGI: The most famous trio to ever attend a baby shower.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in most Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.