Valuable Pet Care Information

Photo: LolCats

Sometimes, our beloved pets require extraordinary care, and part of that care involves a process that the veterinary professionals call “pilling” – the process of convincing your pet to ingest a pill. Here are some helpful tips…

Cats

Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.

With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth, pop pill in. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Drop pill into mouth.

Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.

Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.

Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.

Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn’t know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can’t come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).

Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.

Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.

Arrange for shelter to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Dogs

Wrap pill in bacon.

Toss bacon-wrapped pill in air, stand back so dog can catch it.

Pat dog on head for a job well done.

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4 Responses to Valuable Pet Care Information

  1. Joy says:

    I had to pick myself off the floor where I fell from LMAO!!!! Eeeegads!!!!!

  2. Laura says:

    About once a year, this comes through my inbox, and every time, I’m dying as I read it. It’s even funnier if you’ve actually HAD to give a cat a pill. This is pretty much spot-on.

  3. shanef says:

    That’s pretty close to the truth. I’ve had to give my dog pills many times, peice of cake. Wrap pill in a treat and give to dog–done. That little trick doesn’t work with cats, they’re a little smarter than dogs. They will eat the treat, then spit out the pill. Pretty much the only way to give the cat pills is to kneel on the floor and put the cat between your legs so they won’t run away. Then pry the cats mouth open with both hands while someone else holds the cats tongue down with one hand and shoves the pill down the cats throat with the other hand. LOL– Not Easy..
    If you think that’s tough, “Try giving a cat a bath”

  4. Nikki says:

    I’ve never had to give my cats pills, but I can imagine it’s not easy!!!

    Sari (our lab) eats anything! I could just put the pill plain in her mouth. I have to give her Glucosamine pills, and I just put it in her food dish, and she eats it right up.

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