There has been so much talk lately of people who are having or have had an affair. From the governor of South Carolina and John Edward’s, as well as many others and I won’t name them all. I’m sure you all know who’s recently made the headlines and it makes me wonder how and if those marriages will survive. Read here to find out how to survive an affair in a marriage.
Of course our lives aren’t public knowledge and won’t be in every tabloid or on the news but still, is this a deal breaker for you? Do you think you could handle it and move on or would it be the end?
I know MANY who will say “oh NEVER.” It would be over: END OF SUBJECT! But I do believe that the younger you are, the more the marriage could be in trouble. I do think the older you get, the more time you really take to think things like this through. It’s not always a simple decision. There are a lot of things to consider. Children, families, homes, money…..it’s not always easy to just call it quits.
I’m sure it’s never forgotten and it’s got to rip your heart out and I’m not sure how I’d handle it because, to my knowledge, it’s never happened to me so I can’t possibly say. What about you? Do you know people who have overcome this?
What would be a deal breaker for you?
Us Girls..Our Views 
Most people wouldn’t tell me if this had happened, so it’s hard to say one way or the other; however, I am pretty sure just from my observation that it has happened to lots of people who are still married. Long marriages have various ups and downs, and an affair might not even be the worst thing many marriages survive. Those whom I know who are still married (after an affair) are just as happy, maybe happier, compared to folks who have had a less tumultuous marriage. (Not that I’m advocating it!! I just believe the folks who “make it work” find it worth it, on average.)
Me, I’ve never been married, so I don’t know. I’ve been cheated on, and forgiven the person for the cheat. What bugged me more was the dishonesty.
My wife and I made a pact, “No cheating or beating.” We can overcome everything else but those two things.
I was just talking about this to someone today. A mutual friend of ours hooked up with someone on line broke up their marriage to be with the person. It did not work out so they got back together. I told my friend I said I bet there was hell to pay for quiet awhile. This was like what you were saying a long marriage with several children. I’m not sure how they are doing but I do know they are together again.
Sorry, I’m not married so I don’t know what to say to that but I have seen the heartbreaks and divorce among my aunts and cousins before. The pain, the tears, the disappointment.
I do agree on the ‘younger and more trouble in marriage’ point. Maybe it’s because when they’re a little older, they are sure that guy/girl is the one person they would like to spend the rest of their lives with. I guess the younger ones are more prone to making hasty decisions that they will regret in the end.
Of course, there are some young couples who got married early and are having no troubles at all.
Well, I’m just a little thing still in serious matters like these, which is probably part of why I would say that my partner having an affair with someone would be a deal-breaker for me. I just couldn’t handle that kind of hurt.
Then again, who knows what I’ll feel in years to come? I can’t imagine it would be easy to break up a home, and I have no idea today if I would or wouldn’t do it over the issue of an affair.
I do know of a woman who has a family – she loves her husband and her kids – but who goes out and meets anonymous men for quick affairs. She meets them online, and does this three to four times a week. This, for instance, I find disturbing – because her kids are out of the home, and if she’d want to leave her husband, she could do so now with much less hurt to the children. But instead, she merely has affairs, constantly, and I think it’s plain wrong of her to still be in a marriage – not to mention dangerous, meeting men online and knowing nothing about them.
THE CULPRIT HERE IS THAT PEOPLE FORGIVE BUT NEVER FORGET . IF IT IS THE OTHER WAY ROUND THEN THEY WILL FORGET IT ONCE FOR ALL ,.NO NEED TO FORGIVE. I ALWAYS WISHED IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER THIS WAY.
( BOTH CAN BUSY THEMSELVES WITH AFFAIRS)
YOUNGER ONES TAKE IT TO THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION . THE OLDER ONES HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO STICK TOGETHER AS THERE WILL BE NO TAKERS FOR THEM.
I’m with SKL. I could probably forgive the cheating part but the honesty thing is a big one for me. I think a marriage without trust would be very hard to keep together.
In any marriage…when trust is broken…so is the heart….affair or no affair!
If there is cheating there is an underlying problem. I feel if you are willing to forgive you have to be willing to change the problems that drove whoever to cheat. Not to say that there are any excuses to cheat. I also think that a long time affair wouldn’t be so easily forgivable. Trust is a hard thing to get back, if ever truly 100%, your marriage will never be the same. Maybe it’ll be always a work in progress or maybe it’ll be something like, you see what you have and don’t want to lose that. Marriage is tough sometimes, especially when you are young. Everyone makes mistakes of some kind, whether it’s cheating, or just being a jerk in general. You have to ask yourself, “Can I imagine my life without this person?” If you can’t, you make it work or at least give it an honest shot!
Oh and if it happens more than once…DONE! What’s that saying? “You shame me once, shame you, you shame me twice, shame ME!”
To me the word affair means a longer term relationship than say a one night stand. Does it make either one better? No and either way the trust is broken. At this point, I don’t know what I’d do. Staying together because of the kids is never a good excuse to me. Staying together because of your age, financial situation, health situation or any other situation you may “depend” on the other person for isn’t a good excuse to me either. I think everyone has limits. I also think those limits change with time, age and knowledge. What one person may think is absolutley crazy to deal with (I’d never stay with him/her now…) another one might say it could be worse. All in perspective I guess. You’re in charge of your own life and your own happiness.
Does that make sense?? The racoons have me all messed up!
makes perfect sense! Need to get some traps for those pests! The raccoons not the spouses!
I’ll grant you this comes from a male point-of-view, but it also comes from a hopeless romantic’s POV.
If I ever get to be with a woman with whom I can be myself, at all times, then going astray is the furthest thing from my mind. I have hormones like everyone else, but I’ve learned that they are easily sated, and haven’t the least problem leaving emotions to deal with the aftermath. So it just isn’t worth the heartache and distrust.
For me, dealing with the loss of trust and constant suspicion would be a killer.
But then, isn’t that love.
If there is no trust,you have nothing.Happiness in you is so more important than financial security.I have have lived in a marriage of emotional abuse.That was very hard and demeaning to me as a person.I left it behind after tring for 16 years of waiting for thousands of broken promises of”I am sorry”,it hurts the children and you.I just ended a bad relationshipMay 23rd of this year.I real jerk.I wasted 4 years with him.I am 49 and I believe I deserve better.I found out he was seeing someone else.We had a disagreement.I guess I have to assume that,that gave him the green light to move on,yet not tell me.I am more angry at the cowardly way he did it.I lost all respect for him.And to me,he is a stranger.Once trust is broken with me,its gone.I am sorry,this is still fresh for me.And It was my first time of being cheated on.I have always wanted the relationship with passion,love,trust and alot of laughter.I wont ever give up,but it will be a VERY long time before I trust a man again.
I’m sorry Pam. Had I given a thought of what you’d just gone through, I probably wouldn’t have written this post. I feel like a schmuck.
JOY—Please dont feel that way.I enjoy your posts always.I am fine 🙂 You are an awesome writer.And the bestest cousin any girl could ask for 🙂 Life is meant for learning and growing.And you no my height,I need to grow some more 🙂 You are AWESOME 🙂
Good question and one that requires no pondering on my end. If my husband, stuck his DICK in another woman, or even just became “friendly” with another woman inappropriately – even just sneaking around to “talk” to this other person- he can hit the road and never fucking come back.
I wholeheartedly mean this. We’ve been together 20 years. I’d have no use for a liar and cheat. No forgiveness, no take backs, it’d be a total deal breaker.
I might even chop his dick off. Throw it in the blender and hit frappe- they wouldn’t be able to find it, or re-attach it!
But, that’s just me 🙂
LOL JQ.
You made me laugh so hard.Love your answer.You are tooo funny!!!:)
OK I want to change my answer frappe frappe!!! OMG I’m still laughing. Now my stomach hurts I’m going to have to read that again from JavaQueen. That brought me to tears.
Okay . . .
My penis is now offically just for show.
BRUTAL!
LOL JW.